LBW Holiday Gift Guide Part 2: For the Creepy

/

Part 2: For the Creep in your Life

Everyone knows some creeps, and sometimes you end up having to get them presents, like when they’re related to you or for some reason friends with your spouse. Or you’re trying to butter up your boss, maybe. Well, rather than giving them a bar of soap and an instruction manual this year, embrace the creep’s creepiness and get them something that they can really use to skeeze people out.

Hypnotism Lessons

What’s creepier than wanting to learn hypnosis? Not much, unless maybe you’re a brain-doctor of some sort, and even then… Lucky for the creep in your life there are multiple hypno-gift options, so that you can tailor your hypnosis lessons to their particular brand of creepiness. Above, we find the perfect option for the “uncomfortable physical presence” – style creep. Let them put their penetrating stare and love of disquieting lighting effects to good use!

What about the “creepy around women” type of creep? Is there a style of hypnosis geared toward them? Why yes! As it turns out, virtually ALL styles of hypnosis advertised in comic books have strong overtones of creepy control over women!

Yes, the creep in your life that maybe stands a little too close to any ladies that he (or she!) might have to talk to but never looks them in the eye can finally…

You know, maybe just skip this one and get them something else.

Or perhaps you could get them a course that focuses on hypnotizing dudes.

Auto Scare Bomb

The Auto Scare Bomb was going to go into Part 3 - Gifts for the Jerk in Your Life, but I think that a fake bomb is way more of a creep style of prank to pull. Give 'em out like candy!

How to Love

If you don’t quite feel comfortable getting your creep a copy of Rules of the Game, try How to Love, the late Depression equivalent. They might not act any less scummy but they’ll sure dress snappy while they do it!

Electronic Lie & Love Detector

Can’t you hear them now: not just hitting on ladies using convoluted lines but doing so WITH SCIENCE.

“Hey baby, would you mind holding these terminal knobs? Now, would you mind holding my terminal knob? No, don’t speak… the Love Detector will show us the way.”

Secret Wonder Mirror

Give this to your cherished creep. Then never use their bathroom again.

Raquel Welch Pillow

Is it a licensed product? Nobody knows! What it certainly is is a picture of Raquel Welch in a one-piece, printed on a two foot-long pillow. It’s a gateway inflatable novelty if ever there was one.

You know the ones that you’ll be giving this to. Try not to think about it too hard.

Super Secret Pocket Spy Scope

Live in a beach-style area, or really any place that might occasionally feature ladies in two-piece bathing costumes? Know a guy who maybe knows his way around the woods behind the housing development a bit too well and has a keen interest in seeing farther than might be easily possible with the naked eye? Voila, the Secret Spy Scope! Keep creeps on the property line and out of easily-damaged flower beds and ornamental trees.

X-ray Specs

Finally, for those of you who want to get your creep a gift without enabling his or her creepiness in any tangible way, go for the adolescent-saddening fakeout that is X-Ray Specs. With luck, they’ll never learn that the hand bones and… other things that they’re seeing are composed of equal parts optical illusion and wishful thinking.

Think of it as an early warning system for folks – when they see the words “X-RAY VISION” coming toward them, they’ll know exactly what they’re in for.

And that's that - a complete guide to buying a gift for the super-creep in your life. Remember not to make eye contact when you give it to 'em!

LBW Holiday Gift Guide Part 1: Fashion Fun

/

Once again the holidays approach, as implacable as Galactus and as dead-set on devouring the Earth (or at least those portions of it devoted to retail). And everyone has those two or three people who are extremely hard to buy for, just like Galactus is. So unless you’ve chosen to adopt the Ultimate Nullifier of Christmas that is Officially Buying Nothing, you might appreciate this, the Living Between Wednesdays Holiday Gift Guide. Our crack team of researchers (Johnathan) have combed through seventy years of comic book advertising to find the perfect gift for any family member, friend or workplace Secret Santa partner who is filling you with terror at the prospect of trying to bring them holiday joy.

Part 1: High Fashion

Think that your loved one needs a slight image adjustment? Give these beauties a try:

Beards

Know someone whose face just isn’t busy enough or who maybe has some sort of facial growth that you get uncomfortable looking at? Just MAIL COUPON NOW and you can give them the gift of a wide variety of glue-on facial hairs made from modocrylic, which I am sure is one of the wonder materials of the future (although possibly a future that is a couple of decades in the past). Either take the super-creepy route of sending the fine people from Masculiner a hair sample or simply select a beard colour randomly – note how natural the jet-black Van Dyke looks on our blond friend.

Hey, I finally know what to get my niece! Thanks, Masculiner!

French Photo Ring

I know that the text here is a bit too blurry to read but I felt that it was important to bring to your attention the fact that such things as rings with little nudie pictures inside exist. Buy one for the soft-core pornography enthusiast in your life, the one who’s a bit too embarrassed to openly read Playboy in public but still wants to see boobies while riding the bus to work.

Good Luck Ring

It’s hideous!

Gorilla Accessories

That’s right: for less than fifteen dollars you can set someone up with gorilla hands, feet and head, *and* have enough leftover to get yourself that Realistic Frankenstein that you’ve always wanted. Imagine the joy on your 90-pound cousin Joey’s face as he slips these beauties on and becomes indistinguishable from a real gorilla! Just be careful not to take him to the zoo!

Assorted Wrist Bands

The era of the wrist band is back! Give a pair to the spindle-shanked weakling in your life to see him (or possibly her) become/appear as masculine as the day is long! Makes a great gift for fans of interesting tan lines, too!

Vampire Blood

Everyone loves vampires, right? But not everyone has the funds or gumption necessary to acquire real blood to complete the vampire look. Just a few dabs of Vampire Blood brand vampire blood and anybody on your wish list will be ready to swing to the beautiful music of the children of the night.

Optional forehead putty, tin of glitter or fistful of d10s available, depending on which brand of angst-ridden bloodsucker you wish to promote.

Vulcan Ears

NOTE: ears will not actually make blood green.

Join us all this week for more exemplary gift suggestions!


 

What If...Women Could Write and Draw Comics?

/

Marvel announced an upcoming mini-series called GIRL COMICS. The title is somewhat unfortunate, though admittedly playful, but the books will include contributions from a list of impressive female creators, including Amanda Conner, Colleen Coover, and Kathryn Immonen.

The first cover, by Amanda Conner (see above), is completely awesome.

This is what I am truly hoping for with Girl Comics: I want the comics to be ridiculous enough to match the ridiculous title. I want it to be silly and fun and gratuitous and shamelessly girly. I want the male superheroes exploited. I want a shirtless Daredevil centrefold. I want a soft focus every time Winter Soldier appears. I want a round table "Who would you do?" discussion between all of the women on that cover (especially Sue Storm, because you know it would make her uncomfortable at first). I want Namor to appear in this series for whatever reason. I want a bunch of ladies to pull a prank on Tony Stark because he deserves it. I want to see dating and drinking and shopping punctuated by the occasional ass-kicking. I want Iron Man and Captain America to finally kiss.

Marvel has taken a few stabs at making comics for women lately. MARVEL DIVAS had a promising start, and nice artwork, but quickly turned into a story about breast cancer, which is not my favourite premise for a superhero story. As far as I know, proceeds from that comic weren't even going to breast cancer research, so it really was just a complete downer with no purpose.

So what I am saying is that I am going to be optimistic about Girl Comics, because the talent line-up is mostly pretty exciting, and because it might be fun! Or it might be about breast cancer. I hope not.

Earth One? More Like Earth Whaaaa?

/

 

On their Source Blog this morning, DC Comics announced a new line of ongoing graphic novels called Earth One that will feature “the most powerful heroes of the DC Universe, with their first years and earliest moments retold in a standalone, original graphic novel format, on a new earth with an all-new continuity”. Now, I like the idea of a series of ongoing graphic novels, provided the price is right—like, maybe no more than $10-12 a book for 100 pages or so. Geoff Johns and Gary Frank are doing Batman: Earth One, which I’m sure will be worth a look—those guys are on a bit of a streak lately—and J. Michael Straczynski and Shane Davis will be handling Superman: Earth One. I’m not a big fan of either creator, so that doesn’t do much for me. However, it does even less for me considering the fact that this new, updated origin for Superman has been announced while yet another new, updated origin—by Johns and Frank, no less!—hasn't even finished yet! To add insult to injury, that currently-running series, Superman: Secret Origin, is pretty much the only Superman title I have any interest in reading right now. When said story is the umpteenth retelling of a story everyone and their dog knows by heart, what does that tell you about the quality of the line these days? 

Here’s the problem, as I see it: the first modern redo of Superman’s origin was released in 1986, as the six-part miniseries The Man of Steel, written and illustrated by John Byrne. Seventeen years later, Mark Waid and Leinil Francis Yu revamped Supie’s early years yet again in the twelve-part Superman: Birthright, and now, only six years after that, Superman’s beginnings are being chronicled once more in Secret Origin. This mini should wrap up in early 2010, and all signs seem to be pointing towards the fact that the Earth One books will ship later that same year (although, I’m going to be realistic here and say 2011 is probably more likely).

 

So, let’s do the math: The Man of Steel drops in 1986. Seventeen years after, Birthright arrives in 2003. 2009 brings us Secret Origin, a mere six years later. Then, in 2010 (or so), Earth One will endeavour to tell the world pretty much the same goddamned story, only one, maybe two years later! At this rate, I expect yet another revised origin story to be announced before Earth One has even shipped. If these trends continue, DC Comics will be publishing an ongoing monthly series of continuously revamped Superman origin stories before Obama’s first term is up.

 

This is the kind of thinking that makes me nervous for DC’s future. When they're not busy squeezing more and more money out of an existing, shrinking fanbase (hello, JSA All Stars!), or stretching what might have been a nicely self-contained storyline into a yearlong, multi-title event (I’m looking at you, Blackest Night and New Krypton), they’re resorting to repackaging all-too familiar stories. Maybe if the monthly books were better and more accessible (like, say, the Johns run on Action Comics or Morrison and Quitely’s terrific All-Star Superman), DC wouldn’t need to worry about making a new line that is accessible.  After all, how can you possibly beat this for a re-telling of Superman’s origin?

 

There you have it—four panels, eight words, and we’re off to the races. People want to buy Superman comics when they’re good. They don’t give a damn about continuity or format, and they already know his origin story. Creating a new line like this is almost like admitting defeat, or acknowledging that the regular line of books is hopelessly polluted with confusing continuity and conflicting backstory. It’s a short-term, desperate solution. I wouldn’t have a problem with a line of graphic novels that told new, self-contained stories featuring the DC characters, books that maybe linked together to form larger stories in a shared universe that is occasionally mentioned but never dwelled upon. And who knows? Maybe Earth One will become that. But by promising us a heaping dose of same old-same old right off the bat, it’s off to a shaky start.