FAT WEEK: Millie's fat friend

Having played the role in real life more than a few times myself, I have great affection for the fat friend character in all forms of fiction. One of my favourites is Millie the Model's chunky pal and roommate, Daisy. Daisy is full of sass and kindness. She features prominently in the comics, but never gets her own fashion pin-up page (even though her clothes are pretty cool).

Actually, one of the positive things about Daisy is that she isn't always talking about food or eating. But, sadly, a lot of jokes are self-depreciating or are made at her expense.

People are generally complete assholes to her, particularly the loser she has a crush on, Marvin. It's kind of a Jughead and Ethel type of relationship, and she should really just forget about this asshole.

He, for whatever reason, agrees to go on the occasional date with her (although he claims he can only stomach one date per week). The dates are less than magical.

The worst part is that Marvin isn't the only one scoring points off her while they are out on dates.

Seriously, camera guy? Seriously?

Seriously, horse guy? Seriously?

Daisy lives in a cruel world where people are not even concerned when she plummets from a tall building.

"Haha! Good one! Should we call an ambulance?"

"Better call two!"

I love Daisy, but she needs to raise her dating standards.

And, of course, the only men who find her attractive are total freakshows:

So my main wish for Daisy is to raise her standards, and stop dating this jackhole:

Hip-Happy Heroes Part 2

It's Fat Week, day 2, and here I come with another installment of Hip-Happy Heroes, that rollicking look at the temporary fatnesses of the heroes of yesteryear. Today: it's grab-bag day!

Hip-Happy Hero : Aquaman

Yes, even the beloved Aquaman was no exception to the rule that every character had to get fat at least once before the 60s were through, though in his case  it was less blubber and more blimp.

1. How'd He Get So Big?

One day, as Aquaman and Aqualad were patrolling the seas, they happened upon a raft-bound castaway. They towed him to safety, whereupon he made a startling revelation:

The old man explained that Aquaman could now transform himself into a big fat blimp, a wide thick wall, a stone giant and a long thin arc. Then he died, before he could go on to explain why he hadn't tried to use any of these powers to, you know, try to escape a hideous death on the pitiless waves.

2. What Were the Social Ramifications?

Of all of our Hip-Happy Heroes, Aquaman probably gets off the lightest (so to speak). There's nobody hanging around making cracks about how he should join the circus or complaining about having to pick him up or anything. Aqualad worries a bit about how he might burst, but then that kid always was a worrier. Plus: he uses his fatness to save a ship, so big bonus there.

Before you ask, yes, the Aqua-blimpiness does wear off on schedule six hours later. In true Silver Age form, Aquaman uses up his new abilities just as fast as he can, one after the other, and then they are never spoken of again.

Hip-Happy Hero: Wonder Woman (and Green Arrow, Kind of)

Another crazy adventure of the JLA lands Wonder Woman in the fat soup. Green Arrow too, kind of, though with him I feel that the shortness is more key than the fatness.

1. How'd She Get So Big?

Well, the Justice League were chasing aliens at a carnival, see, and they stumbled into a funhouse mirror-cum-trap, with hilarious results!

All in all, this mirror thing was a pretty fattening experience, as Wonder Woman and Green Arrow both chunk up pretty darn thoroughly, while Flash comes down with a bad case of Thunder Thigh. Heck, even Green Lantern's head looks curiously enormous.

2. What Were the Social Ramifications?

Social ramifications don't really come into this one, unless you count the fact that the Wonder Woman was rendered too fat to fight effectively and so humanity was almost crushed under the heel of an alien overlord. I'm sure that that would have led to some awkwardness at the water cooler.

Oh! and having to get help from Aquaman just to lift your arm, that's pretty embarrassing.

3. Well, How Did She Get Back to Normal?

Well, after the incredibly difficult fight for the future of the planet, Green Lantern remembers that he has a magic wishing ring that can do anything, so he fixes them right up. But only after the incredibly difficult fight for the future of the planet.

4. Can We Apply Her Method to Our Own Lives?

If you have access to a magic space ring then I say go for it. Plus, use it to make me a new computer.

Hip Happy Hero: Blue Beetle

Yep, poor old Ted Kord managed to snack his way to tubbiness, smack in the middle of the Giffen League's heyday.

1. How'd He Get So Big?

Snack food and a sedentary lifestyle were Ted's undoing, though just how he managed to be sedentary while fighting Despero and the like is beyond me. Anyway, he chubbed himself up good.

2. What Were the Social Ramifications?

As can be expected, ted got a lot of ribbing from his team-mates in the League, as well as super-villains, passers-by, Rocket Red's kids and society at large. And he got fired from the League over it. Plus, I think that it may have been one of the reasons that he got the hell beat out of him in a boxing match with at-his-jerkiest Guy Gardner. it was the least respect that... It was the second-least respect that he ever got.

3. Well, How Did He Get Back to Normal?

In the shocker of the century: through diet and exercise. I know, I know: what a chump. He knew at least four Green Lanterns, right?

4. Can We Apply His Method to Our Own Lives?

Well sure, if you're a chump.

And remember: Hip-happy means plump! Good night!

Marvel Fatties!

 

Now that the Marvel Zombies craze has just about run its course, it’s time for the House of Ideas to beat another concept right into the ground! Make way, True Believers, ‘cause here come the MARVEL FATTIES!

When the East Coast-West Coast rivalry between crime lords the Kingpin and the Slug explodes into an all-out gang war, the only ones who can stop the bloodshed are the newly formed Marvel Fatties! Assembled by Foggy Nelson from across the Marvel Universe, this corpulent collection of porcine powerhouses includes Big Bertha, The Shape, Gatecrasher, The Contemplator, and Phat. Standing in their way are a collection of some of the tubbiest troubledoers ever to menace Mighty Marvel—The Blob, Egghead, Dr. Faustus, Pink Pearl, and Amahl Farouk, AKA the Shadow King! And, waiting in the wings to televise the entire fiasco is none other than Mojo!

Marvel Fatties. ‘Cause if you ain’t fat…you ain’t nothin’.

Fat Week: Hip-Happy Heroes Part 1

That's right, folks: it's Fat Week here at Living Between Wednesdays. Fat Week is a time to celebrate all of the fatness in comic books, whether it be the mature girth of a Mr Weatherbee or the youthful rotundity of a Herbie Popnecker. The fat characters of  comics have done so much for us down through the years and now it's time for us to give them a little something back.

Personally, I set out to take a look at that bane of the Silver Age: temporary fatness. Just name a super-hero who was active in the early 60s and chances are they spent at least one issue of their comic just as round as can be. There were so many, in fact, that to try to fit them all into a single post would be the very definition of madness. Instead, I am going to offer up a series of posts as the week wears on, looking at the plight of the momentarily mountainous and examining just how they managed to get in and out of such a situation. First up: The Flash!

Hip-Happy Heroes: The Flash

1. How'd He Get So Big?

Back in Flash No 115, the Flash was squaring off against his perennial foe Gorilla Grodd, who had traded in his mighty simian body for that of a diminutive bald man. Tiny Grodd still had his massive brain, however, and managed to hit the Flash with a ray gun blast.

Grodd's ray causes the Flash's body to absorb massive amounts of moisture from the air around him, to the extent that he ends up a bloated mound of scarlet-clad flesh, barely able to move, let alone run.

2. What Were The Social Ramifications?

If there's one thing that comics have taught me about the 60s, it's that difference was not tolerated. It's not a question of whether a given hero's life would be ruined by sudden weight gain, but to what extent. The Flash might carry this to its extreme:

That's right, Grodd uses another ray to wipe Barry's memory and then sells him to a circus to be gawked at by yokels.

3. Well, How Does He Get Back To Normal?

Since this is the Flash, you might expect the answer to be that he runs off the weight, very quickly. I am afraid, however, that you are wrong. Instead, after glimpsing himself in a funhouse mirror and regaining his memory, the Flash concocts a cunning plan:

He hops into an industrial-sized dehydrator, a machine that is evidently capable of reducing thousands of potatoes to powder. I give you the thinking man's super-hero, ladies and gentlemen.

It works, though, and even removed the extra foot that he had grown on this arms in the bargain.

4. Can We Apply His Method To Our Own Lives?

Oh, lord no! After about a minute of this kind of sweating:

... you would dry up into a little mummy. No, the Barry Allen Method should only be attempted by those who have been rayed by a gorilla, and only then under a doctor's orders.

Until next time, remember: Hip-happy Means Plump!

You Gonna Boot Me, Fileboner, or Are You Wearing Heels?

Don't make me sweat it out, even if I am a bit hip-happy.

That's right, my fellow teens: it's time for another vocabulary lesson from the fine folks at DC Comics! Soon you'll go from being just another broom with a lousy hair-raid to an on-the-chain hep ca, the subject of many a sugar report! 

This batch of purported slang seems to be even shakier than the last, especially if guys really were that hostile about making introductions - the last thing that I'd want to do is give a guy with that expression on his face an excuse for physical violence. Actually, I'm kind of sad that "Boot me!" hasn't had the success that "Shot down in flames." has enjoyed - I'm sure that hundreds of Archie punchlines alone could have resulted.

Unquestionably, though, there is one bit of slang from this page that we should all try to resurrect:

Setting aside the fact that hardly anyone writes letters any more, and that our horrible 21st Century brains can't help but think that any phrase with the word sweat in it is dirty in the extreme, you have to admit that referring to a love letter as a sugar report is just adorable. I command you to write one this week!

So until next time, fileboners, remember:

Hip-Happy means plump!

John Takes a Moment Away From Floating Down the River in an Inner Tube to Buy Comics

The mid-February statutory holiday has been shot down in flames once more here in Nova Scotia, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and cashed in a week’s vacation. You might think that that would mean that my reviews of the week’s comics would be all shiny and done as early as can be, but if you did you would be a fool. A FOOL I SAY! Here they are, as late as can be:

Mesmo Delivery

This is one of those comics that I like so much that I want to open my review with a swear (today’s swear: holy hot damn!) and barely want to review at all, for fear of giving away plot points that were essential to my joy.

I shall persevere, however. I am nothing if not strong. First, the bare bones of the plot: a gigantic ex-boxer and a grizzled Elvis impersonator are driving a big rig, on their way to deliver a mysterious cargo. As you can see on the cover, there is a fight at some point. And that’s all I can bear to give away – even though I’ve reread this book at least two times the initial unfolding of the plot was so unexpected and enjoyable that I couldn’t in good conscience deprive another of.

What I will comment on, however, is the art, which is both insane and insanely terrific. Heck, this book would be worth noting for the super-nice logo designs alone, but Rafael Grampá has done a beautiful job here on both character design and crazy super action. This is an amazing first book - hell, this would be an amazing twenty-first book – there’s no question of me not eagerly snatching up any further books by Grampá.

Resurrection No. 8

I bought this issue of Resurrection because I enjoy reading the ISB and I like supporting folks, so I can’t really comment on the main story since I have no idea what’s going on (though having still-living former president Bill Clinton as part of the cast is a pretty damn novel idea. Usually a president’s got to be at least fifty years dead or Nixon to get that sort of starring role). I caught the basic plot pretty easily: aliens have invaded, stayed for ten years and then left again and now folks are trying to put the world back together. It’s interesting enough and looks good enough that I’ll be checking it out further.

But as I said, I bought it for the backup by Chris Sims/Chad Bowers and Rusty Shackles, and that backup features teenage boys in an apocalyptic future trying to get some lady-time and using the wisdom of 80s cinema to do so. And as much as I like to think that I would be concerned with higher things in such a situation, I know that this is not true – I too would probably be overly concerned with propagating the species. So: looked great, well-written and spoke to me on a spiritual level. Hurrah!

Almost Silent – For many years I only half noticed Jason as the guy with the weird animal-style comics with dark overtones that showed up in a lot on anthologies and such, and then I looked a little closer and saw that he was incredible and delightful to mine eyes and brain, respectively. This book collects four of his earlier works, which is great for me as I haven’t had the free cash to pick them up yet. Also, I love swank little hardcovers, especially when so much of the interior is taken up with the antics of zombies, vampires, wolfmen, skeletons and Elvis.

Atomic Robo: Revenge of the Vampire Dimension No. 1 (of 4)

Sometimes I think that I should pay more attention to what’s coming out in the near future, just so I can claim to be well-informed, but that would preclude things like this sneaking up on me like they do. I learned that there was a new Atomic Robo series when I held this issue in my hand, and that’s a very good feeling – a man could go mad waiting for something as beloved as Atomic Robo.

This series looks like it’s going to have more of the Fightin’ Scientists of Tesladyne, but more importantly, it’s going to have more Dr Dinosaur, and more Dr Dinosaur means more joy.

Joe the Barbarian No 2 of 8 – This is an astonishingly fun take on the old “youngster transported to a magical kingdom” plot, and it’s one of those joyous times that a Grant Morrison series is exactly the right length for Grant Morrison’s writing, so that I don’t get all confused and sad.

Streets of Gotham No. 9 – Not only was the second half of this two-part story just as boring as the first but it tried to fool me by being really easy to figure out. I almost let my triumph influence me into going easy on it! Well, pleeeaah, “Hardcore Nights”. You are a bad story. I look forward to the return of the regular plot next issue.

Power Girl No. 9 – Is it just me or does this book have some of the best facial expressions in comic books going on inside? Even if it is just me, I applaud - every month this comic is a treat.

Incorruptible No. 3 – Okay, I withdraw 60 to 70 percent of my complaints about this series, as with this issue Waid starts to hand out some pretty interesting clues as to why Max Damage might have flip-flopped on the issue of whether to be evil or not, clues which retroactively make his earlier actions make a lot more sense. However, there was still a heinous amount of ham-handed exposition in the first two issues.