John Buys Comics, Nation In Shock

I had a moment of panic when I looked over the enormous stack of comics that I hauled home this week. Somehow, the moons had aligned and the spirits of discord had looked the other way and sundry other events (one or two possibly even involving people in the comic book industry) had conspired to put out a hell of a lot of good comics all at once. Would I wear my typing fingers to the bone? How would I manage with just eight fingers?

Let’s watch!

The Man With the Getaway Face

I started reading the Parker novels when the Hunter adaptation came out last year, and if there is one person in the world that should be adapting them like this, it’s Darwyn Cooke. There’s a note at the beginning explaining why he isn’t giving this novel the full book treatment and then he boils the whole thing down into twenty or so pages that tell you everything you need to know but don’t feel like a summary.

Great. Now I can’t wait until October.

Superman No. 701

Hey, this comic! A lot of people are going to be talking about this comic! Heck, a lot are talking about how many people are going to be talking about it. Some common points:

- It’s been done! All-Star Superman, Hitman, Astro City’s Samaritan… all have tackled the issue of the omni-powerful man and his relationship with the common folk. There’s a pretty good chance that they did a better job. Heck, half of the point of Superman is that he’s so human despite being so alien.
- Superman kind of acts like an asshole. Maybe the fact that he seems smug and self-important half the time is a purposeful contrast to later issues, but I don’t know. He reads like he’s a fifteen year old who’s got it all figured out, man.
- Didn’t we just have a year without any Superman comics?

There are certainly more questions that could be raised – why doesn’t Superman just light heroin on fire all the time? Are you sure that he can combine his vision powers like that? Are there going to be a lot of issues featuring Superman walking through the desert or down a back road or something? – but I don’t have it in me. Mostly I want to know who’s idea it was to take Superman, make his comics really fun and interesting and then spend two years sapping all of the joy and punching out of them. If it is one person then they are a monster.

Catalog No. 439 (Burlesque Paraphernalia and Side Degree Specialties and Costumes)

I don’t know if your comic book store carried this, or if any of you are interested in a book that collects a wide selection of bizarre secret society initiation gags that the DeMoulin Brothers company peddled almost a century ago. There are, however, two things that I do know: 1. As soon as electricity became widely available, people began seeing the humour inherent in mildly electrocuting your friends.

2. No idea is entirely original.

I also never knew that having one’s genitals electrified would seem the better of a pair of options, but there you are.

The Bulletproof Coffin No. 2 – I find myself wanting to describe this book in “-esque” terms (Ditko-esque, Philip K Dick-esque, etc) but really, this book is a thing unto itself, which is pretty remarkable considering how densly packed with pop culture artefacts it is. But check out the superheroes that show up in this issue: they’re supposed to have originated in the Golden and Silver Ages and they hold up as such, but there’s nary a pastiche in sight. Neato!

R.E.B.E.L.S. No. 18 – I was a little worried for this title once the extended Starro the Conqueror storyline was over but it looks like Brainiac the first has made a remarkably seamless transition from the Superman books. Now I’m just worried because it’s a book that I like, so frequently a mark of death.

The Unwritten No. 15 – The literary conspiracy that is lurking in the shadows of this book has hatched a plan to capture Wilson Taylor by publishing a terrible fantasy novel under his name, thus luring him out of hiding. My question is: is it wrong for me to be enjoying the terrible cliché-fic so thoroughly? Because I find it both terrible and magnificent in its terribleness.

The Stuff of Legend Vol. II Part I – I’ve read/watched a surprising number of books/comics/movies that feature beloved childhood toys coming to life and roaming about, and I think that I might just be the best of the lot. I’m pretty sure that there is going to be a fantastic payoff at the end of this, something about the relationship between children and their toys. In the meantime, it fulfills two important criteria by being 1. extremely well-written and 2. a treat for the eyes. Also: who knew that a book operating almost entirely on the sepia colour scale could look so… colourful? Rich? Something like that.

Age of Reptiles No. 4 – While I am very sad that this latest miniseries is over, I rejoice in the fact that it contains what is quite possibly the best dinosaur fight in any comic ever. Richard Delgado is the champion of dinosaur comics – I can only hope for another Age of Reptiles series soon.

Daytripper No. 8 – I’m torn! This is such a marvellous comic that the fact that there are only two issues left should be haunting my dreams, yet the end of the series means that I will be able to sit down with the whole thing – hopefully in a big ‘ol softcover collection – and read it in one sitting. I am certain that this issue has seven or eight times more callbacks to prior instalments than I picked up on. Having the earlier issues on hand instead of buried in a box somewhere would be especially nice with this issue, as it’s the first one not to feature main character Brás. Instead, this issue showcases his impact on the lives of the people around him, all of whom we’ve met before. Hfreio

Booster Gold No. 34 – This issue is about one hair away from being completely gratuitous JLI goofiness, but it’s got Blue Beetle, Mister Miracle and Big Barda and they’re all not dead, so I’m willing to forgive.

Orc Stain No. 4 – The problem with this many good comics coming out in one week is that I run out of superlatives. Have I used magnificent yet? No? Orc Stain is magnificent. If you ever think that you might like to borrow money from me, try to time it to a week that this comic is coming out – I’ll probably still say no, but I’ll do it with a smile on my face.

The Sixth Gun No. 1, Officer Downe, Silver Agent No. 1 - I have squandered my time and these three worthy comics must make do with the briefest of reviews. In order: Old West occult action done right, super-pretty super-violence and one of my favourite characters gets to shine in a very fun comic. 

Archie Sunday: A Heartwarming Tale of Corporal Punishment

The issue: Archie No. 109. The set-up: Archie has a gig as a DJ in daily school assemblies, but power has gone to his head and he's started accepting bribes from students to play their original compositions and thus catapult them to, uh, regional fame.

The payoff: Mr Weatherbee brings in Mr Andrews to settle things once and for all.

 

The story could have ended there, of course, but fortunately for you and me it didn't. See, the recording equipment was on during that little bit of negative reenforcement, and...

Phil the off-brand Archie Andrews and his red-shirted pal get in on the action. (A side note: looking at Phil and his pal, I can't help but picture them as the Rosenberg and Goldstein to Archie and Jughead's Harold and Kumar. For every wacky scheme that Arch and Jugs get up to, Phil and Red are just off-panel making a flying machine out of seagulls. Every time Archie has to dash frantically between simultaneous dates with Betty and Veronica at two different restaurants, he high-fives Phil as he passes him running in the opposite direction, having told Shannon that he had to go to the washroom so that he could go assuage Michelle's suspicions. Delightful!)

And so, at the All-New, Corruption-Free Archie Andrews Lunchtime Music Spectacular the next day:

And that's how Archie became the wealthy young gadabout we all know and love.

Laughing Death in the Bony Face, John Buys Comics

Okay, maybe not death. Intense discomfort, though. See, this week marks the point in the Nova Scotia Summer when the average temperature started being at or over thirty degrees (Celsius. That's right suckers: METRIC SYSTEM) and that means two things for ol' Johnathan. 1) Wanting to do absolutely nothing at all times because otherwise I will overheat and die like a cheap laptop. 2) Restraining myself from erupting in murderous rage every time someone equates higher temperatures with better times, especially when you can tell that they will keep doing it no matter how hot it actually gets. 

I know that someone from a more southerly place will pipe up and tell me that I am being foolish, but I swear I'm not. If I lived somewhere tropical then I would be an invalid. My family would have to wheel me around in a Victorian bath chair and would eventually go bankrupt from the ruinous expense of hiring kindly old ladies to moisten my feverish brow. I'd probably end up donated to the local medical school.

In short, I'm hot, so the following will read very oddly because I started writing it on my air-conditioned lunch break and am finishing it in my hot hot living room. Enjoy!

Oh! Also: t-shirt contest ends tomorrow, so get a comment in saying that you're entering before then!

Casanova: Luxuria I

I came late to the Casanova party. Like, this year late. I definitely don’t own anything near all of the original not-quite-black-and-white issues. Ergo, this is just perfect for me.

But here I am talking like everyone knows what the hell Casanova is. Sorry about that. Casanova is the tale of Casanova Quinn, thief and son of spymaster Cornelius Quinn. Casanova is kidnapped to another dimension by the mysterious Newman Xeno of criminal organization W.A.S.T.E., there to take the place of his more altruistic and deceased double and thereby worming his way into E.M.P.I.R.E., his father’s spy organization. So, uh, extremely complex but in a very good way. It’s like… if Nick Fury, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. had a kid that was equal parts James Bond, Batman and young Keith Richards, and they fought international terrorism together, but Batbond Richards was secretly working for Hank Scorpio, head of COBRA. And also about a hundred other insane things are happening AND it’s a well-told narrative rather than the horrendous mess I just made it sound like. Twice.

The big news about this reprinting is the addition of colour to the equation. Casanova used to have exactly one colour per page, applied in extremely cool ways. I guess that it’s up to the individual to gauge whether they prefer the new scheme to the old, but I like it. The old colours still predominate, and some elements – say, creepy big-head Fabula Berserko, who gets a yeechy green flesh tone – are definitely enhanced. So hooray for Cris Peter and her magic pigments!

Hit Monkey No. 1

This picks up from the one-shot that came out earlier this year and features the continuation of the Hit-Monkey’s quest for vengeance against the people responsible for killing his tribe. Oh, and now the monkey is haunted by the ghost of the assassin who was killed in the last issue and together they are going after the leadership of a conspiracy against the Japanese government.

This book is seriously pretty weird, but in the best of ways. I'm sincerely glad that a haunted assassin ape is a part of the Marvel Universe. If this is a just and fair cosmos and in the unlikely event of another Marvel/DC crossover I eagerly look forward to the Hit-Monkey/Detective Chimp teamup.

Beasts of Burden: Animal Rites HC

Okay, so it came out last week, so sue me. I flirted with letting this one pass me by because I already have all of the individual issues and the Dark Horse Book of… series, but ultimately I could not resist. And then I got it as a birthday present (thanks, Cal!).

And who could resist this, really? It's a Dark Horse hardcover, which means that it looks fantastic and reminds you of something from your childhood - I really have no examples to back this up but still swear that it is true. In any case, having the four original stories at a larger size is a big plus, as it lets you see even more of Jill Thompson's fantastic art. 

I think that Beasts of Burden is quite possibly my favourite new thing in the last ten years or so, which is especially impressive in light of the fact that "dogs and cats fight the supernatural" is a plot that could have gone so very wrong. Thanks heavens for the Dorkin/Thompson team. (Gratuitous link to free online Beasts of Burden stories)

Ghostopolis - Another book that's been out for a while, kind of. At least, I saw it in bookstores about a month ago but it just arrived at the comic shop. Anyway: Doug TenNapel tells the tale of a terminally ill boy who is accidentally banished to the afterlife and the washed-up ghost hunter who has to get him back. Oh, and there are crazy insect guys and a ghost tyrant and quite a lot of mummies. As is common in a TenNepel comic, it's pretty much equal parts heartwarming and super strange. As is uncommon, it's in colour!

Hellboy: The Storm No. 1 - New Hellboy comic! And there's a recap of recent Hellboy activities, so that this is... not really a good jumping-on point. But hey, if you stopped reading after Conqueror Worm and are way too lazy to pick up a couple of trades? Maybe then.

Batman: Odyssey No. 1 - Neal Adams does some Batman. This is one of those ones that I'm writing in the heat, so I'll just wait until issue 2 to weigh in. In short: a lot happens, and I like it. Batman has some guns. Multiple Man-Bats? Well, huh.

Kill Shakespeare No. 3 – I am pleased to report that this is still great. The only problem with this book is that I feel like the biggest nerd ever when I'm reading it, all giggling about Shakespeare jokes in a comic book. I feel like someone who likes wrestling comics is going to beat me up.

Secret Six No. 23 – Here is a pro tip for anyone who is interested in hunting a bit of the ol’ “most dangerous game”: if you are thinking about using a homicidal mercenary who has gone toe-to-toe with Batman (let alone three-plus) as your prey, try to reconsider. It won’t go well.

Chimichanga No. 3 – Eric Powell is just plain good at being weird on paper. This heart-warming tale of a little bearded girl and the bizarre creature that she hatched out of an egg going up against the witch-inspired machinations of Big Pharma is about medium-rare, if I may use the meat-cooking scale to represent comic book weirdness.

It's Johnstravaganza Time Again!

Yes, time has marched on and John has grown just a little bit older, with a bit more junk in the trunk (er, forward-mounted, European-style trunk) and presumably a greater tendency for aching bones on cold Winter mornings, though that last one is hard to confirm as It is currently murderously hot here. Cantankerousness levels are definitely rising though.

As with last year, I have looked back at the past to see just what was going on in comics on the day of my glorious Johnativity. There was no end to the celebrating!

CUE MUSIC!

Cue musical back-up: The Amazing Jor-El and his Giant Floating Harmonica!

Bring out the entertainment! First, the strongman!

Bring out the Amazing Comedy Stylings of the Batman!

Followed by the even more crown-pleasing Shirtlessness of the Batman!

How about some presents? Super Friends, did I hear you say that you had a selection of themed henchmen to delight my just-barely-Gen X love of pop-culture folderol?

The Matador Mob? Delightful! And what's this?

You know, I went three decades without knowing that I was missing something. Now that you've shown me that Chronos once employed three bumbling henchmen named Hour Hand, Minute Hand and Second Hand, well... I feel complete.

In a similar move, Superman has brought forth the Orbitrons, possibly the most adorable of all Hostess Twinkie distractees.

 

 

Keep on caving in to kidnappers' demands, Superman - you know what's right.

Oh, and Judge Dredd claims to have one final, secret present for me. What ever could it be?

Uh... thank you for the lovely vest. I'll treasure it, I'm sure. Tell you what, you put it over there and we'll watch the dancing girl that you've arranged. I must say, I never really expected something like this, especially from you. Oh, here she comes!

 

 You've made me sad, Judge Dredd. You've ruined my birthday. 

 Well, until next year, I remain,

JOHNATHAN "APPROVED" MUNROE