Things That Frightened Me as a Child, Part 5

FRANK FRAZETTA.

Specifically, Frank Frazetta paintings. I had a paperback reprint of some of the old Creepy yarns and, well, check out the cover image:

Or at least the most prominent cover image - as I recall (twenty years on) this was a fairly busy bit of graphic design. The important part was really the fact that this image freaked me the hell out, and that it was entirely because of that crazy looking werewolf. Even by the standards of the supernaturally cursed, that thing does not look right. (The story referenced is one of the very best, though. For the record)

The back cover, or possibly the lower half of the front cover (twenty years, remember?) featured a few more covers, and they were almost as bad. Take this one:

Frank Frazetta is the only person ever to manage to make a caveman look frightening to me. It's remotely possible that this is because I saw Encino Man at a relatively young age, but I don't think that this in any way detracts from the accomplishment.

This here was the one that broke young Johnathan. Pubescence was rearing its horrific, spotty head and whispering things about how interesting the character in the foreground might potentially be, while general childhood terror was pointing out that the gorilla head and the colours were profoundly wrong. In retrospect I have to blame this image for my not retaining the collection over the years. Brrr. And also yowza.

Tomorrow: more Frazetta!

The Unfunnies: Cora the Car Hop, Above and Beyond

Cora the Car Hop is a true champion of the Unfunnies: not only do her comics frequently end on a completely impenetrable punchline, but they rely on knowledge of a profession that has basically disappeared but that at the time was fresh and new and worthy of some level of comment. Here's a taste:

Man, I wish I had a restaurant called 'EATS' that I could go to. 

Anyway, ho ho ho the motorcycle has no place to attach the tray. A wonderful example of an Unfunny from Lois Lane no 9. Sadly for it and its hopes for a place in history it is completely upstaged a mere 15 issues later by this little gem:

Because nothing trumps unfunny and outdated like unfunny, outdated and vaguely creepy.

Things That Frightened Me as a Child, Part 4

THIS:

 

My local library (okay, local bookmobile) had a copy of the first Alan Moore Swamp Thing trade, and by Gord that thing haunted my tiny dreams - you want to know the real reason that the New Guardians didn't work? It's because one of their members was an insane mass-murdering monster, that's why - but the stand-out performance in the field of Freaking Out Wee Johnathan was the three-part tale of the Monkey King.

 

For those of you not familiar with the comic in question, well, that's just sad, as this is basically exactly what a shared-universe horror comic should be. In brief, it's the tale of a shape-changing monkey demon that fears on fear and terrorizes the inmates of a home for traumatized children. It's an utterly loathsome thing, and that is compounded by the fact that it's a little bit adorable. And then quadrupled by the twisted tenderness that it treats the boy that it has adopted as its master with. And also it ends up fighting Swamp Thing and the Demon, which is one of the best ever team-ups.

And Alan Moore really delivers on the "takes the form of your worst fear" front. No giant snakes or whatever here, oh no. This thing comes at you as the existential fear of cancer, homeboy.  I cannot express how much better that is than the usual treatment of the fear power - I recall reading a book where someone's greatest fear was a villain who beat them up once, which is maybe valid, but sure as hell didn't scare the crap out of me while I read about it. Or for the next ten years, for that matter.

So yeah, the Monkey king was terrifying. Case closed. I read these books again recently and was almost as freaked out by the thing as back in the day. Thing is, I read a heck of a lot of books in between, so am in a position to recognize several other ways in which this story is awesome:

1. The secret origin of the Monkey King

Turns out that Kirby did it:

Yup, the Monkey King turns out to actually be something called the Kamera that Jack Kirby came up with in the original run of The Demon. And let me tell you: twice as adorable; almost as frightening. 

2. Speaking of the Demon...

As I said, the Demon gets involved in this story, and he's terrific. Even though the basic character design involves a brutal, beastlike head, I think that this is one of the most effectively inhuman versions of him that I've ever encountered. Plus Alan Moore writes rhyming dialogue that works.

3. Oh god, this.

This scene - in which longtime supporting cast member Matt Cable has been in a devastating drunken car crash and gets a visit from a horrible fly - freaked me the hell out in my youth, even though I had no idea what was going on. Since then, I've come into some knowledge, and knowing doesn't help. If anything, it makes it worse. Don't swallow your uncle-in-law, Matt. You'll only end up as a raven.

4. Best takedown ever.

The Demon Etrigan shows everyone just how to take care of a fear-powered demon monkey.

And that's why the Kamera will not be making any more appearances. Hey, if you have to go out...

Things That Frightened Me as a Child, Part 3

 

Okay, so I didn't see this until, like, yesterday. Rest assured, however, that it would have scared the everloving bejabbers out of me back in the childhood day. It kind of does now.

Things That Frightened Me as a Child, Part 2

Gremlins.

I guess that that's not too weird though, is it? Guess I'll elaborate, then.

It's not that I saw the movie Gremlins and got freaked out - heck, it probably would have been better if I had. I watched quite a few movies that were as or more scary than that at a tender age and emerged unscarred, and seeing the ease with which one could defeat a Gremlin with the humble household microwave would have done me a world of good. Problem was that my only actual exposure to Gremlins in any form was through one of those book-and-cassette combos that you don't see any more and that my teacher would occasionally employ while teaching us to read. Man, something about that thing terrified me, to the extent that I wouldn't even listen to it in class (again, big mistake. The things were probably even easier to defeat in a twenty-page booklet). I spent literally years concerned about Gremlins swarming outside of my bedroom window. Not actually doing anything, though, just generally cavorting. It's hard to remember my childish reasoning but I think that I was concerned that they would... come inside to cavort? Logic, thy name is not L'il Johnathan.

So I guess the moral of the story is that you should force your children to watch as many scary movies as possible, to keep them from being afraid of the dark.

Things That Frightened Me as a Child, Part 1

Here we are in the second half of October already, which means that we are in the spookiest half of the spookiest month, and that it's time to get just a wee bit thematic. This week, I'll be telling you just what freaked me out the most as a kidlet. Well, not everything - we'll skip over my unusual terror of such things as walking up stairs and flushing toilets in an empty house (note: this is not to say that I didn't flush, just that it was scary. Don't be gross). No, I'll be focusing on the comics and so forth that gave me varying degrees of heebie and/or jeebie. 

We'll start out light on scary. I've mentioned before that I owe a lot of my early comics experience to my uncle, who allowed me to raid his stash of funnybooks at the appropriate age for mind-warping. One of the comics in question was House of Mystery no. 309, and it somewhat inexplicably featured this shot of Cain as its first page:

No idea why, but something about this picture filled me with dread as a child. I don't know if it was the shrunken heads or the lizard-ape or the lizard-bird, or everything in aggregate, but I used to look at this picture and just kind of gently freak out for long stretches. Even the beatnik snake had this weird air of menace.

Nowadays, of course, I would just make a big deal about the snake and what a hard time it must have playing bongo drums. Oh for the innocence of youth.