Random Thoughts

I didn't get any new comics today because stupid Victoria Day slowed them up. I'll be getting them tomorrow. The wait is agonizing. I do have the new Spirit, though, because Darwyn Cooke is nice and gave us all one. I'm going to read it in a second, but first some random thoughts on things.

1. The Dark Knight Marketing Campaign

It seems that The Dark Knight marketing team has unleashed a teaser promotional campaign so clever that I thought for sure it was a fan-made hoax. It's simply too interesting. You can get a good run-down of it by clicking on this link.

Basically it combined the release of this image:

...with this secret website that saavy net-surfing comic nerds discovered:

And finally this hidden image, giving us our first official photo of the new Joker:

I don't know how I feel about the look of the new Joker. I think, and have said all along, that Heath Ledger is a great casting choice and will do a good job. [EDIT - this is a total lie...I went on record voicing my concern about the casting choice last year, but I can't remember ever actually feeling that way]. I also know that The Dark Knight is a movie and not a cartoon or a comic book, and the character of The Joker needs to blend in with all that. So the make-up artists are faced with the challenge of creating a Joker for the screen that doesn't look like a cartoon character in the middle of a bunch of gritty realism. (For the record, I really loved Batman Begins, and appreciate and understand that a movie cannot possibly give comic fans everything they would want to see on screen. There will never be a definitive Batman movie, but there already is one high quality one and I am looking forward to seeing two more).

So keeping all that in mind...I still don't think I like this Joker, based on first appearances. But that's possibly more the fault of the photo itself, which looks like a Tool poster. The marketing campaign was brilliant, and damn near perfect, but the problem is...this Joker does not look like the same Joker that would deface Harvey Dent's campaign poster, litter a comic book shop with playing cards, and set up a creepy website. It would have been a little more fun to have the camera angle coming from above, and having him look up at the camera with a creepy expression. It would have been a lot more familiar as a Joker image.

Aw, listen to me. Nitpicking like some sort of comic nerd. I'm just happy these movies are getting made. And I really do appreciate the fun promotional stuff. I seriously can't wait for this movie.

2. The Smallville Season Six Finale

I know you all really watch and care about Smallville. Sometimes I feel like they are making new episodes only for me. I watched the finale the other night and, well, I'm just going to lay down some mad spoilers because nobody on Earth cares.

- Smallville, you do it to me every year. You throw episode after episode of mediocrity at me, making me swear I'm going to stop watching, and then you hit me with a Superman-related finale/cliffhanger that guarantees my loyalty for another year. Because sometimes I need to be reminded that the show is about Superman. This year's Superman reference? Bizarro! I was very excited by the final shot of Bizarro Clark flying at the camera.
I was less excited by this very clunky exchange:

Clark: Who are you?
Bizarro Clark: I'm you, only a little more bizarre.

Ouch. There has to be a better way to get that information across. He could have at least talked like Bizarro. Then it would have been cute instead of embarrassing.

- Is Lana really and truly dead? That would be so fantastic. But even more fantastic would have been if Lois had died. Everyone knows Chloe is a better Lois Lane than Lois Lane will ever be. The character suuuuuuuucks and makes no sense! She lives and works in Smallville, yet still calls Clark "Smallville." The sexual tension between Clark and Chloe is the most compelling thing on the entire show, and yet it is almost totally ignored. If Lois were killed off, the viewers could be rewarded by the revelation that Chloe is going to be the real and future Lois Lane (she could take her cousin's name...or whatever. Just make it happen, writers! Know your audience! We deserve a happy ending!).
Chloe had better not be dead. I will seriously stop watching the show. You hear that, Smallville? 50% of your audience will be gone, just like that! And it looks like Lionel will make it back for another season, which is dope. Lex is just boring now, which is too bad. But there will be some awesome hatred between he and Clark over this whole Lana thing. Unless she's still alive. Which she probably is. *sigh*

- I think season 6 was the best season yet, overall. Definitely some terrible episodes (Clark battles flawed immigration policy, anyone?), but I loved Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter and Jimmy Olsen and the Phantom Zone and Zod and the whole Justice League episode. It was fun.
Plus, Allison Mack completely rocked the house as Chloe all season, and had the best wardrobe I've seen on a character since the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

So yeah, I'll be back next season. As long as Chloe is there. And after next season ends there should be a spin-off called Chloe and Lionel where they are roommates and solve mysteries. It would fill the void that comes from Veronica Mars being canceled (boooooooo!!!).

Smallville doesn't really ever give me what I want out of a young Superman show, but I love them for trying.

3. Adam Hughes Weighs In

Hughes did an interview over at Newsarama about the whole MJ statue thing. He's surprised about how much attention this thing got. Frankly, so am I. Even when I did my post on the statue, I never expected to even get two comments, much less a quote in the New York Post, for chrissake. I wouldn't even say that I was outraged. More like...I have a comedy-based blog about comic books, and that thing was way too ridiculous to not post about. It's not like it was at all surprising. I mean...the thong is still a little surprising to me. It's just so...trashy.

Anyway, you can check out that link above and read the interview. I like Adam Hughes as an artist quite a bit. I will say this, however: Adam, dude, you may not want to bring racism into this argument. I understand what you're trying to say, but...you start trying to carry things in that direction, and you're just going to come off sounding crazy.

And that's the last I'm going to say about that thing.

Catwoman is my Homegirl

I'm off for the next couple of days, touring around the Maritimes with my band this long weekend. (If you're in Charlottetown tonight, or Fredericton tomorrow night, come check us out!).

I leave you with just a few of the reasons why Catwoman rules:

She can kick two guys in the face at the same time!

She knows how to handle a Batman booty call.

She has reduced Batman to attempting sweet talk!

She has two of the coolest men ever fighting over her.
She can kick a tire into someone's face!

She can make Bruce Wayne enjoy going to the movies again.

This Week's Haul: Better Batman and Other Good Stuff

Comics other than All-Star Batman and Robin came out this week, and many of them were very good. Let's take a look:

Batman #665

I love that this came out the same week as All-Star Batman. Everything about this comic is so right.

When we left Batman last time, he had just been stomped on by a large Bane-looking guy in an ally. This issue opens with this fantastic page:

So funny. And then Roxy the prostitute gives the injured Batman a lift, which gives us another great scene:

Aw. The look on Batman's face!

Batman drags his battered ass up to the penthouse (which looks awesome) and calls Alfred. Alfred and Tim get over there and Alfred pumps Bruce full of drugs. Bruce wakes up later and is all freaked out. We get an incredible facial expression:

God that's awesome. He looks like he was left Home Alone.

Batman's all scared because he's pretty sure he is being visited again by the "three ghosts of Batman": a killer Batman, a bestial Batman, and a Batman who sold his soul to the devil. We already saw the killer Batman shoot the joker in the first Morrison issue, now we've seen the bestial one stomp on Batman's spine, and the third one will no doubt be showing up in #666.

I really liked Bruce talking about the "Black Casebook" of supernatural files:

Batman's got X-Files!

He doesn't let it get him down for long, though. He goes to the laudry basket and takes a whiff of the dress shirt he wore the day before during a board meeting at Waynetech to get himself psyched for battle. It's weird, but entertaining.

I love this series.

Action Comics #849

I liked this better than the first issue in this two-part story, but it's still kind of meh. Religion.

I like it when Superman fights guys that are about equal to him:

I like his "Hmph."

I like Superman enjoying this pretzel:

And I like the way his boots are all slumped over against the wall in this panel:

And that's about all I have to say about that.

Supergirl #17

I was actually really looking forward to this issue because I liked the last one, but I was kind of disappointed. I can't even say for sure why. What happened to Mark Sable? He was credited as co-writing this issue on the website, but not in the comic itself.

I still think Supergirl looks a lot better. With her new normal-length torso she is also a lot shorter:

Her skirt looks really good in that panel, but that was a fluke. It's still a curtain tie for most of the book. And she still has those heavy Turner-style eyelashes that I hate because they look like spiders.

I'll admit, I'm a little confused about what's happening in this series and how it fits in with DCU continuity. Does that mean it's on another Earth? An Earth where Robin looks fantastic?:

This last page was pretty exciting:

Now THERE'S a Supergirl everyone can enjoy!

Countdown Week 50

Team Jonah Hex writes this one, which is rad. This issue gives us a much better idea of what Countdown actually is than the first one did. This time we got a series of vignettes filling in a few holes we've seen in other DC titles, along with snippets of a larger Countdown story-arc involving Jimmy Olsen, and another with Mary Marvel. Interestingly, a lot of the scenes take place in New York, rather than one of the many fictional DC cities.

I love seeing Jimmy back in action, with his pal Superman helping him from space:

I loved getting to see that fight between Batman and Karate Kid that we never saw in the last issue of Justice League, along with an extended aftermath scene:

I love that tube of Bat-costume. Especially the placement of the gloves, making it look like it's trapped in there. The art, by the way, was really excellent on this book.

I like it. It's like a bonus feature disc full of deleted scenes. This could be a very fun series.

Fallen Son: The Death of Captain America #3: Captain America

I am just never going to like this series.

Guess what Hawkeye wants to talk about (after he introduces himself unnecessarily to Iron Man and the readers at great length):

Iron Man knocks him out and Hawkeye wakes up in a prison cell. This is where things get weird.

What? Ew! Keep colonoscopies and polyps out of my comic books! Gross! Iron Man has a new hobby!

Anyway, then they get to talking about The Death of Captain America.

It's a very big coffin.

I kinda enjoyed the Hawkeye talking to the Young Avengers part, but it was still sort of clunky.

For some reason this panel cracked me up. Maybe I'm a jerk, but a sad Iron Man is always funny-looking to me:

And, Jeph, repeat after me:

"I. Will never. Use the word 'diddling.' Ever again."

Diddling is like what pedophiles do. It's just below "porking" on the list of gross euphemisms for sex. Man, I'm so grossed out right now. What's the next comic?

The Flash #12

I checked this out because it was one of those issues with an ending that will change the Flash forever. It was a pretty good issue.

I liked Mirror Master coming out of Flash's shiny earpiece:

Pretty clever.

I liked the Rogues chatting about what they were going to do now that time had stopped (though it hadn't, really):

And the shocker ending? Yup...it looks bad for Bart. Almost as if he's going to be replaced...by someone who has been dead for quite some time...

Justice League of America #9

I like the teams being split into little groups, each going to a totally different place. We've seen Arkham, we've seen the Fortress, and now we see Gorilla City and Thanagar. Fun times.

But I think that Meltzer may be grossly overestimating the top speed of a cheetah:

But I don't want to nitpick. I want to talk about this double-page spread of awesomeness:

Power Girl and Hawkman sitting in a tree! That's hot! I love the personality that PG finally has in the new JSA series. I'm so pleased with this development that I'm not even going to complain about her stupid-looking shorts. Aw, she had her heart broken. Hook up with Batman, Power Girl! Doooo it!

Heh: "I appreciate the size you think your testicles are." Power Girl is awesome.

Aquaman #52

I'm glad that, right in the first panel, we get an explanation as to why our heroes are in Sub Diego when we learned in WWIII that Sub Diego was lifted back above sea level. Well, it turns out not all of it was. So that answers that mystery.

I'll keep saying it: this comic is ridiculously fun. There's a word that I am searching for when I am trying to describe the writing, but all I can come up with is "informative, interesting and easy to follow." This is why I am not a professional writer. Maybe the word I am looking for is "good." Actually, do you know what I think makes this comic extra awesome? There very little narration. And when there is, it's a third-person perspective and it's very clear and informative and usually pretty funny. The story mostly depends on dialogue, which is delightfully snappy.

Funny!

This really cracked me up:

The Babe Squad! I love it! That lobster girl! Holy God!

Did I mention that the art rules on this series?

X-Men First Class Special

Well, this was awesome.

Three very funny and enjoyable short stories, and three even funnier mini-comics, involving the original X-Men line-up. Jeff Parker writes them all, and is joined by a kick-ass team of artists (including Colleen Coover! Woot!). The book has a sort of Bizzaro Comics feel to it, which means it's nothing but fun. Magento using his powers to grab the key for the bathroom at a coffee shop? Check. The X-Men battling a mutant beatnik's powers of persuasion? Check. Angel in a sailor cap?
Check.

Plus, there's this:
X-Men + Ducklings = Perfection.

Colleen Coover rules.

Legion of Super-Heroes in the 31st Century #2

It's weird to see Timber Wolf in two comics in one week, being drastically different. And by weird, I mean great.

Timber Wolf, Robot Fighter!

SKREEEEE!!

Catwoman #67

If you aren't reading this series, you are cheating yourself out of one of the most consistently action-packed comics going. There is very little in the way of hanging around and chatting in this series. Even now that Selina is a mom, the violence never stops.

Team Lopez rocked the art this week. I love everything about this page:

I like that Selina has her own little Bat-family now. She has Holly as Robin, Calculator as Oracle, Slam as Gordon, and...Karon as Alfred. Sorta. Anyway, it's good stuff.

Catwoman is rad.

The Plain Janes

This was really, really good. I loved it. The writing, by Canadian punk rocker Cecil Castellucci, was very funny and very smart. I loved the little gang of high school girls being secret performance art guerillas. I loved how layered each of the characters in the book were, despite still having clearly-defined interests that shaped them. I loved the sports-obsessed tomboy who refused to shape her eyebrows but still had a girly crush on the captain of the basketball team. It's little details that change a character from being a one-dimensional stereotype to being real. It was just a really interesting and entertaining read, and it's fantastic to have another great book to recommend to younger readers. There are so many indie comics out there that would almost be perfect for younger teenagers, but have some element in them that elevates them to mature reader status. I know the Minx line is intended for teen girls, but I think DC would do well to just continue to publish well-written, well-drawn, all-ages books for both boys and girls. This line fills a definite hole that existed for those who aren't interested in superheroes, and also aren't old enough for, or interested in, Vertigo or most Manga.

Teen-appropriate indie comics. We need more of them.

All-Star Batman and Robin The Boy Wonder #5: The Live Running Commentary

Alright, does everyone have their copies of ASB&RTBW #5 in front of them? I am going to record my initial reactions to the book as I read it for the first time. When you hear Batman punch you in the face (POW!), that means it's time to turn the page.

Ready? Let's begin.

Batman is punching me in the face. Or maybe this is Jim Lee getting his frustrations out (my theory).

POW!

Page 1: Oh dear. "Sperm bank?"
Five hours ago, eh? Is anyone still keeping track of time? Also, when did Metropolis turn into such a dump?

POW!

Page 2-3: Stilettos? Seems practical. This is weird because it looks like Jim Lee is doing his version of the Frank Miller Wonder Woman from DKR. I don't even know what to say about what she's saying. Let's move on and see where this is going.

POW!

Page 4-5: I gotta say, when I first heard about this series called "All-Star Batman and Robin," I never expected to see Plastic Man and Green Lantern in it. Or even Wonder Woman and Superman.
So...what? Hal doesn't get a proper introduction by Wonder Woman?
Why would Wonder Woman care what Batman is doing if she doesn't care about this "world of men"? Why would she be a part of this organization of super heroes? (I refuse to call it the Justice League). Why is Plastic Man a fire hydrant? What is Hal doing with those giant hands? Is he so lazy that he makes hands so he doesn't have to move his own when he gestures?

POW!

Page 6: Who is this woman? Circe? She wants to kill Batman and put his head on stick because he's setting a bad example with his extreme methods? She wants to murder him because he's a psychopath? But...ah forget it.
What in sweet hell is Plastic Man doing? And why is Hal such a bitch?

POW!

Page 7: Still no Batman. Or Robin. Just sayin'.
"Damn you, Diana! Damn you and your Amazon arrogance!" God that's fantastic.
I seriously have no idea what's going on. But I love it. Superman is telling Wonder Woman that she'll pay for her crimes with her blood. So...these guys are all psycho. Wait...is that the message here? Batman is always getting the bad rap for being crazy, but these guys are even crazier? Or is everyone just crazy?

POW!

Page 8: SHUT. UP! You have got to be kidding me. That kiss is so stupid. Holy lord. This is fanfictastic. Wonder Woman is a Mary-Sue for Frank Miller!!! Seriously! Go back and read the last 8 pages with that in mind!
I love Hal in that last panel. "Duhhhh."

POW!

Page 9: No. No way. No. This...is...the best page...of anything. Ever. It's...it sums up the whole series in one beautiful, ridiculous page.

POW!

Page 10-11: "Giordano and Adams." Cute.
Man, it's too bad this series blows, because it really does look fantastic. These two pages are not too bad. Kinda ridiculous, but if the whole series had started with these two pages, that would have been kind of dope.
Blimps!

POW!

Page 12: Seriously. Nice art.
"Every inch of me is alive." *giggle*

POW!

Page 13: I kind of like the idea of a crazy cackling Batman. That really would be pretty terrifying.

POW!

Page 14-15: Batman is threatening that guy with...arthritis. Weaponized arthritis! Hee!
Well, I like watching a bunch of rapists get beat as much as any girl, so I have no problem with these pages.

POW!

Page 16: No problem with this page, either. Man...not a bad run these last few pages. (And when I say I have no problems, I mean relative to the rest of the series).

POW!

Page 17: Aaaaaaand you lost me. "My darling?" Ew.

POW!

Page 18: "Whiskers"? I find it so weird the amount of times Batman has said "cool" in this series.

POW!

Page 19-20: Alright! Shirtless Alfred! Now we're getting our money's worth!
We all pray your master hasn't gone man, Alfred.

POW!

Page 21: Is this still the night that Dick's parents were killed?

POW!

Page 22: Kids love axes!

And we're done. Well, that taught us nothing. I can't believe how long this took to come out. I bought more Christmas trees in the last year than issues of this comic.

The first nine pages were so awful that they cancel out anything that was tolerable in the second half. I'm actually sort of disappointed that the second half wasn't as stupid as the first. But still...it's a pretty dumb comic.

Review of Showcase Presents, By Johnathan

Showcase Presents has lately been presenting some pretty awesome stuff, in the form of 500+ page reprints featuring comics of the 60s and 70s and I've been doing my part by buying a whole lot of them. It's time, I think, to pony up some reviews.

Showcase Presents: The Elongated Man

This was the first of these black-and-white beauties to cross my path and I was pretty glad that it had. It featured Ralph Dibny's start as a rival/partner to the Flash, followed by his marriage to Sue Dearborn and their subsequent travels around the world. Ralph's a very atypical 60s DC hero in that his identity is known to the world (and in that he's married instead of being in an extended engagement or flirtation). He and Sue encounter all manner of mysteries while being socialites, some of which are quite charming. Ralph also hits people with a disturbing array of pliable body parts. These early stories are a great illustration of the fact that even though the Elongated Man may have the same power as Mr. Fantastic or Plastic Man, the way that he uses it is all his own.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Superman Volumes 1 and 2

This is some pretty great Silver age ridiculousness right here. You've got Superman obsessing over his secret identity, kryptonite simply everywhere, more mermaids than you can shake a stick at, Lex Luthor, Jimmy Olsen, Lois Lane, Clark Kent looking like Steven Colbert and plenty of aliens. Plus Volume 1 was one of the first of these bad boys out and so only cost $9.99.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Superman Family

This reads pretty similarly to just plain Superman, only with more Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy: a) has lots of different jobs. b) foils lots of gangsters. c) occasionally betrays/ is betrayed by Superman for dramatic effect. d) frequently develops superpowers - in one of the coolest stories he uses some of Superman's trophies to put together a super-powered crime fighting suit, then develops a 'best-buddies' relationship with a paper boy (who collects souvenirs of his exploits and summons him via a signal-pen).

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Green Lantern

Another $9.99 wonder. With this one I got an interesting look at just how different comic book series used to be from one another. The Elongated Man dealt with really intimate little mysteries, while Superman lived in a world that hovered between soft sci-fi and fantasy, genre-wise. Green Lantern was by no means hard sci-fi but it drew from some of its conventions (and of those of the classic space opera) to create a comic that took itself a bit more seriously. Some good, solid, fun comic yarns here.

Showcase Presents: The Brave and the Bold

Bob Haney writes Batman and guest. This was a terrific read, with lots of Haney lunacy. The guests included Metamorpho (good), Plastic Man (dismal), The Metal Men (terrific - everyone goes to a robot convention) and Deadman (two times!). The best issue involved Batman having Wonder Woman and Batgirl pretend to fall in love with him as part of a plat to catch Copperhead, then when the time came to nab him they really had, such is the power of the Bat-charisma. Copperhead escaped in the kerfuffle, but was nabbed later on. Duh.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Justice League of America, Volumes 1 and 2

Good solid Silver Age fun. The JLA whomp some aliens, Starro the Conquerer, more aliens, Dr. Light, and some aliens. Snapper Carr is surprisingly endearing, J'onn J'onzz is surprisingly pudgy. He also tends to use his "Martian Breath" almost to the exclusion of all of his many other powers, possibly to distinguish him from Superman.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Teen Titans

Another Bob Haney masterwork, featuring the sidekicks of various Justice League members. The Titans answer calls for help from teenagers across the world and so end up dealing with giant monsters, inter-dimensional invasions and submarine pirates. Also notable is Haney's mastery of contemporary slang (assuming that sixties-teens used 'fab', 'ginchy' and 'gear' in every other sentence) and creative use of nicknames (Kid Flash = 'Twinkletoes', Aqualad = 'Gill Head', Wonder Girl = 'Wonder Chick'). All this and the Mad Mod!

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Legion of Super-Heroes

My thoughts on this topic are already known.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: Metamorpho the Element Man

Bob Haney strikes again! This time out he's penning the adventures of Rex Mason, whose brush with an ancient meteor/artifact gives him a hideous appearance and the ability to change into any element found in the human body. This one's got great art, as well as my favourite Silver Age supporting cast: Simon Stagg, Rex's boss, famous scientist and so close to being a super-villain that his private security forces dress like Cobra Commander; his daughter Sapphire Stagg, Rex's fiance; Java, a formerly-frozen Neanderthal given a modern brain by Stagg - Java's in love with Sapphire and occasionally tries to bump Metamorpho off but is a colossal coward and so never succeeds; and Urania Blackwell, the Element Girl, Metamorpho's female counterpart. One sad thing: Metamorpho, like Aztek, had his comic canceled before its time and so you'll never learn just who it was that was plotting against the Element Man toward the end of his series.

JOHN APPROVED

Showcase Presents: The Phantom Stranger

I'm still reading this one, but so far it's great. The basic format involves a supernatural setup, followed by the appearance of both the Phantom Stranger and Dr. Thirteen, the Ghost-Breaker to lend a hand. The two squabble over the existence of the supernatural, then tell stories to illustrate their points. Then they solve the mystery. At the end of the story the Phantom Stranger disappears, which really ticks off Dr. Thirteen, and it seems to be cumulative, because in the last story I read he pretty much just punched the Phantom Stranger in the face as soon as he showed up. Also notable: four teenagers keep showing up and their names are Spartacus, Attila, Wild Rose and Mister Square.

JOHN APPROVED

Well, that's it for now. I'll almost certainly be getting more of these things and when I do I'll write about it on the Internet. I'm so cool.

All-Star Batman and Robin: the Cliffs Notes Version

Next Wednesday is an exciting and monumental occasion. It is the day that All-Star Batman and Robin #5 finally drops. It's the comic that you love to hate. It will be a great day for comic bloggers everywhere.

Now, the last issue of the jaw-droppingly terrible series came out almost a year ago. Well before I started this blog. I don't want anyone's enjoyment of the upcoming issue to be diminished by the fact that they can't remember what the series is about in the first place, so I am doing everyone a favour. I am going to outline the key plot points of the first four issues, just so we're all up to speed. It's a very intricate and challenging plot to follow, so pay attention:

Issue 1

- Vicky Vale walks around in her underwear and eventually puts on a dress that is somehow more revealing than her underwear for her date with Bruce Wayne. (She is having a date with Bruce Wayne...this is repeated several times in case we can't follow).

- She has a date with Bruce Wayne. They go to the circus where Bruce reveals that he has had his eye on a young boy for some time (young Dick Grayson of the flying Graysons. SPOILER - he's going to be Robin).

- Dick's parents get shot in the head in the middle of the ring. Bruce changes into Batman and grows about an inch of stubble.

- Dick gets escorted out of the circus tent by some comically evil police officers. Vicky tries to stop them and gets her mouth smacked. She then pushes Alfred out of the way and highjacks the Wayne Rolls Royce to hunt chase down the police/Dick. She ends up getting shot, or hit with the Batmobile, or something.

- The cops are about to rough up Robin...because they are evil...when Batman shows up. He grabs poor Dick by the collar and tells him he's just been drafted into a war. Because Batman is also evil. He gasses Dick and literally throws the poor boy into the Batmobile and drives off.

Issue 2

- Vicky Vale has been wounded, and Alfred has torn off his shirt to use as bandages. Vicky regains consciousness and remembers everything, including the fact that the Graysons were murdered "Brutally. Brutally. It was brutal." Weird, overly-sexual Vicky/Alfred posturing ensues.

- While driving back to Wayne Manor, Batman calls Dick "retarded" and refers to himself as "the Goddamn Batman" (Goddamn Batman action figure comes with everything you see here...dead police officers sold separately). He then kills a bunch of cops who are following them, and turns the car into a Batplane. Robin wants to throw up, Batman does not allow it. Robin starts to cry, because his parents were just killed and everything, and Batman smacks him across the face. Batman has a quiet moment of reflection, wondering if maybe what he's doing is wrong. He decides that it isn't. Robin questions the killing of cops, and Batman calls him a little snot.

Issue 3

- Someone who looks and dresses like Black Canary, but who I really hope isn't Black Canary, works in a bar. Then she beats up and/or kills everyone in the bar and jumps on a motorcycle.

- Batman and Dick are still heading for Wayne Manor, now flying. This should really get them there faster. He turns the plane into a submarine, and Robin calls the word Batmobile "queer."

- 15 hours ago in Metropolis(??!!)...Clark Kent crushes a milk carton with Dick's face on it and gets a newspaper slid under his door. The cover story is about Batman kidnapping Dick. Clark burns the paper with his eyes and says "Damn!"

Issue 4

- Vicky Vale dies or something.

- Still en route to Wayne Manor, Dick wonders when they are going to get there, and remarks that it feels like he's been in the vehicle for days. I guess that's a joke. They finally arrive at a Batcave so spectacular, it can only be contained in a six-page fold-out. Batman wants Dick to acknowledge how "cool" the cave is. Dick thinks it's alright. He also tells us that Batman pipes classical music into the cave.

- Batman takes a moment to reflect on how much smarter than Superman he is.

- Dick asks if he can get some new clothes because he's "all sweaty and dirty and I've still got Mom and Dad's blood and stuff all over me." Batman thinks about it, and agrees to get him some clothes. But then he doesn't, and instead leaves Dick alone in the cave for the night. Dick is hungry, and Batman more or less tells him to eat a rat.

- Meanwhile, Superman is bringing a doctor over from France at Batman's request to help save Vicky's life. He's actually running on water, carrying a car. Saying "Damn."

- Alfred serves Dick a cheeseburger and fries. Batman is angry with Alfred, saying that the boy should be forced to eat rats or something. In his head, he calls Dick a brat for the hundredth time in this series.

So, there you go. You're all up-to-date on this masterpiece. I can't frigging wait for Wednesday.