Supergirl VS Max Headroom

Very sorry for the lazy theme week. I'm having a pretty busy week. Maybe I should extend this to be Supergirl Month.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving everyone! Here's a clip of Supergirl kicking ass from the terrible-yet-adorable 1984 film. Fun fact! The skinny truckdriver is played by Matt Frewer, aka Max Headroom, aka The Guy on my T-shirt in my Profile Picture!

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: A Supergirl Week Special Conclusion of the Review of Satan Girl, By Johnathan

Hyah! Supergirl Week continues, with:

Yes, folks - today's the day that everyone gets to learn the truth about the would-be Legionnaire with the poorly-thought-out name! Plus: a bonus secret! Turns out that I'm not very good at condensing Silver Age comics, so you're going to have to strain your eyes on a super-long John-post, once more. *Phew* I tell you, it's good to get that off of my chest.

Okay, let's check in on Supergirl and the LSH. What's going on, Supergirl?

You know, this is a side of the male Legionnaires that one doesn't usually see. They're not usually so... open to receiving advice. Bravo, fellas.

I guess that that's a pretty good plan, especially in the DC Universe, where everybody has a weakness to something (like regular John, DCU John's weakness is beer and chicken wings. I tell you this for the same reason that Superman gave Batman that kryptonite ring: so that you can stop me if I ever go on some sort of rampage. Or am a wee bit peckish). I just hope, however, that Supergirl never has to go head-to-head with the Joker, say. Things could get ugly.

I know that pointing out logical flaws in any Silver Age comic is kind of like announcing to a beachful of people that the ocean is a bit damp, but I feel compelled - compelled, I say - to bring up the fact that Supergirl is disregarding the fact that Daxamites like Mon-El have access to serums and such that negate their weakness to lead. So Satan Girl could totally be a Daxamite.

*Phew* wow, man. That... that's a big load off of my nerd-shoulders. I feel a lot better.

The, uh, future that you're in right now, or the future of the future? Which is it, Supergirl?

Gah! I was going to make some point about how the term "Intelligent alien animals" technically covers everyone that Supergirl hangs out with on a regular basis, and then call her a shapeist or something, but those ball-things are creeping me out. Remember Madballs? Madballs had nothing on these things, not even the ones whose brains were leaking out. *shudder*

NOT APPROVED, ball-things! NOT APPROVED!

Ugh.

Okay, the ballbonations playing with Bouncing Boy is a little bit adorable.

You know, I'm always kind of impressed with Supergirl and Superman when they do something like this. Not because they can deus ex machina a solution to any problem out of dirt and spit, but because they manage to make such nice-looking stuff with their bare hands. Seriously, I've sculpted enough to know that if I had the ability to fuse sand into glass with my mighty John-strength I would consistently end up with big fingerprints and those spikes that you get when you squeeze too hard and stuff oozes up between your fingers. I would not produce any perfectly-faceted diamonds or factory-perfect android-paralyzing guns.

!!!

Why the hell is Bouncing Boy attacking this lady while Colossal Boy takes shelter behind some invalids? Is this how he lost the cowboy gloves, by not acting cowboy enough? Dammit!

By the way, Supergirl's awesome deductions re: Satan Girl's origin?

Totally wrong. Also, we're about due for "laughing with your fists on your hips" to make a comeback. Next time someone fails to thwart your schemes, give it a try!

Brought to you by the Society for the Promotion of More Interesting Nostalgic Trends Than are Usually Extant.

This is a boring panel. I include it only because of that "she can't use her power on animals" bit, which is important later on (ha ha, spoilers!)

So: the Legion flees the planet, leaving the hideous ball-beings to the tender mercies of someone named Satan Girl.

Did... did she just blow straight through that creature? What the hell? What power is it that she has that doesn't work on animals? Not "brain-removal breath", that's for sure.

Eventually, the ball-critters lose enough of their number to make for the hills, and Satan Girl makes a startling revelation! Could this be a clue to her totally secret identity?

Just where the hell did the Legion go, anyway!

Aw, yeah, the Puppet Planetoid. I was unreasonably excited when this place showed up after the Five Year Gap, let me tell you. Check out those hideous puppets, man! They're much more endearing than the hideous ball-things, really. Here, check out the secret origin of this place:

Now, I don't have children, and I don't get many chances to hang out with children, but I just got back from Thanksgiving dinner, and my niece and nephew were there, all full of beans. I would bet you one hundred Canadian dollars that if I gave them some puppets and told them to go play in a hole I figure I'd get my comeuppance pretty darned quickly. These giant blue extradimensional kids are weird, says I.

You know what? I take back the nice things I said about the boy Legionnaires earlier. They're all high or something in this issue, seriously. How the hell could Lightning Lad not be firing huge bolts of electricity at that lady as she flies in with a ridiculous amount of kryptonite? He and Cosmic Boy found Shrinking Violet's secret stash while they were packing her a bag to take to Quarantine World, that's how.

Also, does the amount of kryptonite present make any difference? Does this giant pile of the stuff just provide more coverage, or is Supergirl basically dead? Because she seems pretty calm about this event.

WHAT POWERS? The red beam thing? Because that doesn't seem to be working on anyone but superpowered women, Supergirl. Or do you mean the super-strength and like that, which very much did work on the ball-things - specify! And be wrong!

Not that calling in the Legion of Super-Pets isn't a good idea, mind you. Having half a dozen tiny versions of Superman can only help in most situations, I reckon. They should really be in on more super-cases - it would really speed up the average Superman/Brainiac fight, for instance.

Man, Krypto and Streaky have no idea what he's talking about.

Damn. I grew up around horses, and they were always trying to bite me or casually crushing me up against a wall or whatever, because horses are jerks. And so, I feel qualified to say that the prospect of a super-powered horse flying at me like Comet is doing in the above panel is frigging terrifying. Those things are huge. Satan Girl is a better person than me if she didn't just pee a little.

Also, it turns out that it was the red rays that everyone was talking about in the context of how they don't work on animals. Okay, say I, but based on all of the evidence given in this comic they don't work on male humanoids either. So why aren't the Legion dudes piling on top of this evil lady? Show your work, Supergirl.

Dramatic secret! Awe-inspiring revelation! Satan Girl is a red kryptonite boojum, like 1/3 or so of the Superman Family's Silver Age adversaries. Wooooooooo!

Blah, blah, red kryptonite. The more interesting aspect of this kind of story is the fact that it kind of underlines how DC super-heroes don't give two, uh poos about how the clone feels in this sort of situation. They get split into two and the new version of themself says "I want to live, Green Arrow!" and Green Arrow's all like, "Rarr, no! You are a Chartruse Arrowine double of me and you will hang around in the Arrow Cave until you cease to exist!" and then the double is a bad guy because he sees that as unreasonable.

Granted, Satan Girl carries things to extremes with her "mass murder" twist on the theme, but I still think I could write a decent essay on the subject if I weren't so lazy.

Okay, so that's why the dudes weren't affected. Still, Supergirl didn't know that.

Blah, blah, stupid plan (sorry, I went away to work and vote and then to drink a large gin and tonic. My wit is somewhat blunted).

"I take comfort in the fact that my costume was way cooler than yours *cough cough* even though I made it in, like, an hour..."

"Oh, well, she's dead. Now what's for lunch?" 

Sheesh.

In closing, I'd like to say that the suit of lead armour is ridiculous. Yes folks, I just can't give the Silver Age a break. Don't worry, though: we're still on speaking terms.

Satan Girl, you're NOT APPROVED

(Due to the aforementioned gin, this review was brought to you by One-draft John, not proofreading since 1979)

Supergirl How-To Guide #1

How to assist a child in getting adopted:

1. Assess situation and develop plan.

2. Call upon slave robot clone to take your place while you implement plan.

3. Use superpowers to fool potential parent(s) into believing child is worth their time and money.

4. Repeat until goal is achieved.

5. Return slave robot clone to hollow tree until next time.

Supergirl treats that robot as badly as Superman treats Supergirl. That robot probably has a rock or something inside that tree that it likes to boss around.

Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: A Supergirl Week Special Review of Satan Girl, By Johnathan

Ha-ha! After dragging out for more than a month, the thrilling conclusion to the gripping drama that is the review of the ever-mysterious Concentrator has been preempted due to my love of participating in the theme weeks that Rachelle occasionally proclaims from her mighty throne over at Living Between Wednesdays. Naturally, I chose to write about Supergirl palling around with the Legion of Super-Heroes, and in an eerie bit of synchronicity, the first Supergirl/Legion story that I felt like writing about - and that Super Future Friends hadn't already talked about much better than I ever could - was Adventure Comics No. 313, featuring Satan Girl, winner of the last Paul and John poll!

That sentence was too long and convoluted!

Okay, Satan Girl! 

The story opens on various female Legionnaires, doing their regular Legion business:

Lightning Lass, surprisingly, is actually using her powers in a logical, useful and helpful way, instead of breaking my ability to suspend disbelief by, say, using giant lightning bolts to pick up trash or entertain the elderly by making hobos dance. Suddenly: illness!

Saturn Girl gets sick, too, possibly due to those gross eye-tentacles. Or the discoloured patch on that old diplomat's crotch.

Note, though, that she's doing useful, important work, too. Could this be the beginning of a new era of respect and equality in the Legion?

Well, I'm not saying that this is a positive "No.", this is a bit suspicious. Frankly, it sounds like the setup for an elaborate prank. "And then I turned on the engines! It was awesome! She was so embarrassed that I haven't seen her since, though I did find one of her shoes on the roof for some reason."

Even poor Night Girl is affected, when she comes over to help look after the sick'uns:

Sheesh, really? Quarantine World? Well, I suppose it is contagious... yeah, quarantine can't hurt, even if it doesn't seem to be much worse than a bad case of mono.

Okay, that's pretty harsh, Superboy. Seriously, they don't seem that bad. Look, they can stand up, all by themselves! 

This is why Superboy isn't allowed in the Smallville Old Folks' Home any more, by the way.

("Happy Thanksgiving, you're all doomed! Old and doomed! Let's hope you can finish your turkey before you die!)

So, the female Legionnaires are all sick and exiled. Then:

Satan Girl shows up! Satan Girl! 

Satan Girl!

This is... this is just the worst idea anyone ever had. Seriously, she might have had a slightly better chance of getting into the Legion if her name was Bad-touch Lass, or Kid Hate-crime. Or Duck-Murderer Damsel. Even circa 1992, a character named Satan Girl would have a tough time getting into the Legion - I think that the best she might hope for would be a solo gig as a "troubled loner". With a dark, secret past. 

And yet she's upset when she doesn't get in. Despite her impressive cheekbones, Satan Girl just isn't the sharpest peach in the pie. Note, for example, the immediate confession of evil deeds.

The Legion is thwarted, since they only have the one ship, and certainly don't have access to teleportation or time-travel technology (or the awesome might of the Concentrator, which remains a secret, bwa-ha).

(damn it, I forgot to add a joke about Sun Boy being the one who's shouting "Grab her!" Please supply your own juvenile snicker-fest, this time)

Since Superboy and Mon-El are off doing stuff, the Legion calls in Supergirl, and makes her Honorary Legion Leader because she's the only one tough enough to take on Satan Girl. All the boys wear their best doofy grins to meet her.

I sure do like these robot-nurses - they're exposition machines! I bet they make that little non-joke about knowing their professions about three hundred times per day - note the expression on Saturn Girl's face.

Hey... I just noticed that the robots have skirts on. Because... because they're nurses? I guess I am more attracted to them now that I know that they're female, so I'll let it pass.

That's how I want to go - spewing exposition to the very end. Rest in peace, foxy robot lady.

Anyway, it's time for the most important part of this comic: 

GIRL FIGHT!

FLASH! WHIRL! SOCK! POW! Time for a hug!

Aw, Supergirl. Heat vision is against the Girl Fight rules. Round One to Satan Girl.

Actually, I'm pretty impressed with how this scrap was handled. Satan Girl's hair-pull in the above panel was the only "girly" move pulled by either contestant. And frankly, if someone was trying to eye-laser a mask off of my face? I'd be doing some hair-pulling, too.

Since Supergirl figures that Satan Girl must be a rogue Kryptonian of some kind (and surely not a Daxamite or any of  thirty or forty other super-powered races that've shown up by this point) she rounds up some still-incredibly-common-even-in-the-future kryptonite, to... well, when you get right down to it, to give Satan Girl a dose of radiation sickness. That's actually really harsh, Supergirl.

Too bad for Supergirl: Satan Girl is immune to the effects of kryptonite. Which is good, actually, because since that box was full of dust it's probably all through her clothes and in her lungs and everywhere - if she were Kryptonian, she'd totally be dead, I think. 

Also luckily for Supergirl, Satan Girl hides in a cave, instead of coming over for another super-hug. Supergirl cunningly waits out front...

... while Satan Girl blasts out the back! Damn, Supergirl - I think that Satan Girl is winning on points, so far. But can she keep up the pace and unleash enough dastardly maneuvers to win this one? We'll see, in Part 2!

Okay, forks. I'll see you in a day or so for the stirring conclusion - soon you will know the mysterious, unguessable secret of just who Satan Girl is!

Happy Supergirl Week, one and all.

Supergirl Plays Cupid

Here's a little story about a time where Supergirl gets tired of living in an orphanage and resorts to drastic measures in hopes that she can get the hell out of there. It's from Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #14 (1960).

Oh, calm down Lois. It's Superman. What's he going to do? Take all those waterskiiers back to his tour bus after the show?

How often does Supergirl spy on Lois?

Aaahh!! Those eyes! They will haunt me forever!

So this is how desperate and crazy poor Supergirl has gotten. And here's her plan:

Alright! Way to beat Superman at his own game! This is the sort of crap he would normally be pulling on Lois, because Superman loves nothing more than making Lois think she's crazy. Here's my favourite one:

Ahahahaha! A coffee pot! Nice one, Supergirl!

Also..."Severe Kitchen Ware."

So Superman decides that he might possibly be in love with Lois. Which I never thought was the issue. I thought he just didn't want to put her in danger so he never acted on his feelings. Right?

Well, anyway:

"Perry said I could borrow his pleasure schooner any time I want."

I'll bet he did.

Good lord! Look at the size of Perry's pleasure schooner! How much does the editor of the Daily Planet make?!

Back to the date...
Those are some unorthodox cooking classes they are teaching at the Midvale Orphanage.

Holy crap, Lois! Do you want to date Superman or not? Because sometimes Superman has to go save lives, alright?

And now it's time for Supergirl to make some romance happen:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

What?! No! Ok, look Superman. It's one thing to suddenly decide not to propose to a lady, but you should NOT tell her that you were just about to propose but decided not to because she fell in the water. That's just cold. As is flying away suddenly, leaving Lois alone on a boat.

Superman feels kinda bad the next day, and decides to go apologize:

What?! That TRAMP!

"Love, Batman." I just melted. I know it's not really him writing that card, but still...

I have to say, this is bold for Supergirl. Especially since she hasn't actually met Batman yet. At least not that we've seen.

No! If anyone is going to be his Bat-Queen it's going to be me!!!

Ohhhhh dear. Now you've done it, Supergirl.

Oh, you Super-heel!

Well, it turns out that Superman was playing along the whole time:

"I'll never interfere with Cousin Superman's romantic life again!"

Well, at least not until your next appearance, when Superman makes you pretend to be his fiance. And it is just as creepy as it sounds. But I already talked about that story way back here.

The Supergirl From Krypton Meets Her Asshole Cousin!

I think the logical starting point for Supergirl Week is with her first appearance in Action Comics #252. I think Superman's initial treatment of Supergirl is one of the greatest (fictional) injustices of all time. Let's have a look:

Superman is just about to smash the missile to bits until he realizes that there's a person inside:

Ok, Superman in that third panel? Amazing. He goes from being totally shocked in the previous panel to being completely calm and thoughtful. And skeptical.

"I'm from Krypton!"
"Nope."

Man, Supergirl is just so cute in that last panel. Seriously. And I love Superman's off-panel babbling.

Supergirl cheerfully proceeds to tell the tragic tale of her family's short-lived escape from Krypton. And when she's done, Superman is shocked to learn something else:

How quickly he pulls his hand away.

So this is pretty great, right? Superman, who has been alone on this Earth for so long with no family and believing he is the last of his race learns he has a cousin! And she's here!

Yay! This will be perfect! She can live with Superman and they can bond and he'll help her adjust to life on Earth after the tragic and sudden loss of her family and equally-traumatizing solitary voyage through space!

Right?

"Yeaaaahhhhh...about that...see, I have a really small apartment, and y'know...I'm pretty busy. I can't really take care of a kid right now...I've got a lot on my plate...and the place is a mess, really..."

But don't worry! Superman has a "great idea" for her life on Earth! It's not like he's a douche or anything...

WHAT?! That is not a "great idea," Superman. That is actually the worst idea.

SERIOUSLY?! An ORPHANAGE?! After all she's been through?! What do you credit your heroism to, Superman? I'll tell you: your loving parents who adopted you when you crashed to Earth. So why do you think this is ok?

Superman gets some clothes to make his cousin less hot. He feels much better now.

Hey, you know what a good Earth girl name is? Kara.

Let's see what name she picks:

DC doesn't think much of its readers. They remind us that Linda Lee is Supergirl in the very next panel.

I also want to comment on Superman's story: wouldn't the guy at the orphanage want more information about that "big disaster that wiped out her whole community"? Wouldn't something like that have made the news?

Poor, poor Supergirl. She probably thinks this is how it goes on Earth. "Sure thing, Superman. Even though I am just as powerful as you, I will live in this godforsaken orphanage and remain unseen until you need me. Just let me know! I'll be right here...wearing this wig...alone..."

Her first Super Job? Cleaning her room!!!

Man that sucks.

No, Supergirl. No. You can't use your x-ray vision for spying on other kids. Also: you are disobeying Superman, actually, and I approve.

Proud of your cousin, eh? Maybe you should read some Superboy comics. He isn't the greatest friend in the world. You should talk to a guy named Mon-El.

Oh, Supergirl. Just you wait! I got two words for you: Flying Cat!