A Bob Haney Milestone!

The penultimate Bob Haney Rules Week post.

I just picked up the 150th issue of Brave and the Bold, which also happened to be Bob Haney's 117th issue of the same series. And don't you dare suggest that after 117 B&B stories, Haney may have run out of ideas, because that just isn't true! In fact he gives us one of his most entertaining stories ever in this issue. It's completely bonkers.

Basically, Bruce Wayne is kidnapped by some terrorists. He is guarded by a giant thug named Keeper Karns.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. Keeper Karns is Superman in disguise. I'm sorry to ruin it for you, but it makes these panels way more entertaining. It's evident that Superman is enjoying playing the role of Bruce's prison guard a little too much. Perhaps he's getting out some pent-up frustration. At any rate, it's a good act because Bruce doesn't suspect a thing.

Ok, remember: the big guy in the green coat is really Superman.

He's really throwing himself into that role, eh?

The reason why Superman is involved in all this: the terrorists also have Jimmy Olsen, and have said that if they see Superman in the skies over Gotham, they will kill him. So obviously Superman had no choice but to dress like this Keeper Karns fellow and kick the holy hell out of Bruce Wayne for an evening.

The really entertaining thing is that Bruce escapes from and returns to where he's being held prisoner a couple of times during the night. And each time he gets his ass handed to him by Keeper "Superman" Karns. Then Bruce, being the detective that he is, starts to notice Karns's powers.

Getting warmer, Bruce.

What crook indeed? Wait a minute...Superman doesn't fit that bill either! That sounds more like Martian Manhunter! Superman doesn't go through walls!

Meh. Anyway, Bruce FINALLY figures it out and, being the professional that he is, subtly lets his pal know while they fight off the terrorists:

Dude! Shut up! Superman did not go to all this trouble just to have you yelling his secret from the rooftops, dumbass. Or does he have to tie you up and beat you again?

The whole thing is pretty bizarre, and I'm not convinced that it's not all an elaborate prisoner/guard role-playing sex game that Bruce set up. Billionaires do weird stuff like that, right?

This Week's Haul: Batman + Me Forever

Nothing cures a hangover like a big pile of shiny new comic books.

This week's post is inspired by some background graffiti in Wonder Woman. Someone awesome clearly wrote it:

We'll get to more Batman later, but first...

Superman Confidential #4

I can't help it. Everytime I think of this comic that High School Confidential song runs through my head.

I really like this series. There is no question that it is being overshadowed by All-Star Superman, and that's too bad. The line-up here is pretty damn all-star as well. And the comic is a delightful throw-back to funner times, while also giving us a story we haven't heard before. And I don't know about all y'all, but I am more than happy to have two quality year-one-ish Superman books on the go. It's not redundant. It's just awesome. It's the Scottie Pippin of comics. The Mark Messier. Totally great, but sadly standing next to someone just a little bit greater.

This was my favourite issue of the series so far. Jimmy is well-used, Superman continues to be adorable, and this is the greatest panel ever:

I love it.

Wonder Woman #6

Lookin' good this week, WW! Also...this comic was fun! Like, actually about what I wanted this series to be about: Wonder Woman trying to fit in with humanity. That's good stuff! There were lots of little jokes that made me smile, in particular Diana trying to figure out how the subway ticket machine worked. And having no idea how much gas costs. Also, finding that her action figures were selling at 75% off because no one cares about her. The layers, people!

Two comics down, both were fun. Let's check the next one:

Catwoman #65

Another awesome cover.

And the comic inside? Fun! I've been loving Catwoman's recent Metropolis-based storyline. That doesn't mean I haven't been reading each issue and crying, Milhouse-style, "When is she gonna run into Superman?!" Well, she finally does in this issue. And he's a jackass. And it's funny. Also, there is a Lex-bot, a time machine that can only send you four minutes into the past, some petty theft, and a rocket launcher.

I love Catwoman so much. Someday I'll make a coherent post about how much I love this character. But I got more comics to review right now:

Batman #664

It was so hard not to read this first, but I wanted to save it.

Morrison! Kubert! Reunited and it feels so good! Like, seriously, THIS is a proper Batman comic. Bruce Wayne is sexy as all hell, and we get to see him do all sorts of rad Bruce Wayne things. Heli-skiing, dating a famous lady, fancy dining, and taking down a helicopter full of paparazzi by hurling a ski pole at it. (Plus, you know he totally got some after the fancy dining).

Back in Gotham, he's lookin' Kubert-fresh in his Batsuit, and helping prostitutes. And also...THROWING BATARANGS THAT ACTUALLY COME BACK TO HIM! I don't know why that excited me so much, but it really, really did. Obviously it excited Morrison and Kubert too because they devoted a whole (awesome) page to it.

And this is just about the greatest first page of a comic ever:

HA! Just leaving the office! Fantastic! I can't wait for the next issue.

Action Comics #847

Well, this was weird. It wasn't bad. It was pretty to look at, and kinda heartwarming. But certainly weird. It was so very Smallville (or, I suppose, Birthright). Jonathan Kent looked so much like a slightly older John Schneider.
This book is all about father/son bonding, which means very little to me. Jonathan tells Martha about a time that their son treated him to an exciting trip into space. They had lied to Martha and told her they were going ice fishing. If I were Martha, I would be mad as hell that no one thought that I might be interested in seeing outer space. But, y'know, the muffins would burn.

Looked nice. A little too sweet for my tastes. Possibly a little too sweet for Count Chocula's tastes. And that's coming from a devoted Smallville fan.

Connon Hawke: Dragon's Blood #5

Oh, Connor. You are a dreamboat, and you may even be straight (that certainly seems to be the point of your series, which I have been saying should be called Connor Hawke: Straight as an Arrow!), but I gotta say...getting a little bored with this story. And it's only six issues long. In this issue he kills a dragon with a magic arrow. Phew!

52 Week 47

Ow. My head. So many storylines. And even the Origin of the Teen Titans backup was confusing.

Ok, the Nanda Parbat Tim Drake stuff was good. Bruce Wayne locking himself in a cave for a week while Tim sits outside and drinks soup while thinking about a goose in a bottle? Sure. That qualifies as fun. Tim talking to Wonder Woman? I liked it. Then we got to the Batwoman stuff and I got confused and sleepy. But then...Doc Magnus! And he's totally nuts! Little pocket-sized metal men talking to him! All with Black Adam screaming in the background from Sivana's chambers (Do you think it might actually be Sivana that's screaming? That's what my money is on).
Animal Man! Awesome! I can't wait to see what he's been up to, I really...Oh. It's over. And now we have stupid boring Steel(s). And they are starting a stupid boring club for stupid boring people. NEXT!
Montoya! Still looking like Michael Jackson! Checking in on Batwoman and...Nightwing! I am familiar with you! Thank God!
And we're back to Wonder Woman and Tim and...Bruce Wayne! Bustin' out of the cave and lookin' really happy:

Maybe someone in the cave told him that Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert were going to be teaming up to do his comic. Or maybe he was thinking about me. The important thing is that he's looking real foxy. And I like to think the next words out of his mouth are "Tim, son. I had an epiphany. I'm a billionaire. Let's go buy some women and some fast cars! From now on things are going to be ok!"

You Don't Have To Be Sober To Love Bob Haney

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie to you. My band won four categories in the local Best of Music poll here in Halifax tonight. Soooo...I'm a little drunk. We won two awards for the totally awesome video that Ben Jeddrie made for us. You should check it out here: TOTALLY AWESOME!

It has super heroes in it.

But, drunk or not, Bob Haney Rules Week must continue. No matter how lazy.

I'm just gonna post this panel. You can decide for yourselves what it's about. I'll post something better tomorrow. Promise.

The Biggest Space Bum in All the Galaxies

Bob Haney Rules Week continues!

Ram Drood. As far as I can tell, he's a Haney original character. He's in World's Finest no. 246, and I believe this is his first appearance, but feel free to correct me.

He shows up, looking queenie, and accuses Superman of secretly trapping his deformed twin brother, Kor-El, in a Kryptonite asteroid for past couple of decades. And then the awesome, awesome insults start flying!

Three in one panel! And that's just after Green Arrow called Superman "the lousiest crumb in the universe!" Harsh words, GA. When Superman gets angry, he comes up with some pretty hilarious insults. "Bow-toting clown." "Space Bum." And my favourite:

"You crazy hobo!"

Superman has no time for this bohemian asshole. And the feeling is mutual.

Of course the only one who believes that Superman may be innocent is Batman. He even gives his friend a relaxing neck massage:

Man, eventually they are going to run out of things to call each other, and one of them is going to slip and say "doll face" or something instead of "old comrade" and it is gonna be awk-ward.

So, Ram Drood hangs out for the rest of the issue, kinda like that episode of The Simpsons where that teenager named Roy lives with them. No explanation. He's just there, chilling with the Justice League, and making Batman mad enough to use PG language.

Everyone is into the idea of Superman going to rescue his brother from the Kryptonite asteroid except Batman, who vehemently objects:

"Blazes!" Can you imagine if you were hanging out with some people and one of them got mad enough to start shaking their fist in the air like that? It would be weird. Especially if their anger turned the background red.

Ok, so it turns out that Batman is right, and Superman does die. Or, at least he appears to die. And Batman is left alone to grieve over his dear friend's body. Well...almost alone.

Why hasn't Batman punched that guy yet? Also...is Batman smirking a little?

Oh. Don't worry. Superman and Ram Drood patch things up in the end:

Random Acts of Haney

I was working all day today, so this entry in Bob Haney Rules Week will be random...and awesome!

We'll start with a bone-chilling panel depicting Batman's messed-up sense of humour:

"Am I right, boys? Ha ha!"

*shudder*

And here we have a triple whammy of greatness. Batman makes a crazy comparison, calls Robin "kiddoo" (rhymes with Ski-doo) and Robin yells "God!" (Even funnier if read with a Napoleon Dynamite voice).

Next we have Batman a little off his game:

Look out, Bruce! There is a large and obvious bunch of men in your room! Just turn your head slightly! Use your peripheral vision! Stop reading that man's diary!

Aw, what am I worried about? It's not like they could really trap Batman with a stupid net!

Oh. Well...at least they took his shirt off and tied him up. Diabolical!

"However did you see through my cunning disguise, Clark? Was it the fact that I haven't altered my appearance in any way?"

"No, Bruce, old friend. I was just doing my usual rounds of x-raying the shirt of every man I see when I noticed the Bat symbol on your rugged chest."

In case you aren't convinced that Haney is the king of convoluted plot lines, this next panel more or less sums up the story the last four panels were from:

"Check!" That's very cute.

And finally...I love it when they finish each other's sentences:

Aiiiiieeee!!

Bob Haney Rules Week continues.

I love how frequently the characters of the Haneyverse emit bone-chilling banshee cries.

And, yes. That is what Batman is saying.

Which is better? Aieeee! or...

I can't decide. Possibly even funnier than these exclamations is Batman's reaction to his boy partner being electrocuted:

Batman only looks out for one guy: Batman.

Moments later...

Yeah...you probably should have. Jackass.

Anyway, back to humorous cries of agony. This is my favourite:

"Aiiee! I...I'm blacking out!" Man. Even I can take blacking out better than that.

By contrast, Haney's Green Lantern can silently take a beating. Like a man.