The Bride of Batman

My new comics were delayed until today because of St Jean Baptiste Day in Quebec. Stupid Quebec. So to fill the void, I give you one of the greatest comics ever...

It is, of course, an imaginary story. Which means I don't have to kill Lois out of jealousy.

So our story starts with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson getting ready for a costume party (oh, Silver Age. How I love you and your daily masquerade balls).

Bruce Wayne has a secret...a creepy secret:

I love his Bluebeard-style forbidden room that's full of mannequins and gifts. I love that he bought her a tiara...and shoes. In fact, there is nothing about this room that screams "straight" to me. "Oh I just buy pretty gowns and jewels and furs...for Lois. I'll never give them to her, but I assure you, they are for her and I do not just routinely go shopping for women's clothing and accessories and come in here and try them on."

Ok, so we've established that Bruce Wayne is even crazier than we thought he was. Let's move on to that costume ball.

Awwww. Poor Bruce. But I 100% approve of his costume choice. After seeing that room, though, I kinda expected him to show up as Jackie O.

Lois is at the party as Joan of Arc. And she actually brings a horse with her as part of the costume. Because she's stupid. Of course, the horse gets spooked. Bruce Wayne to the rescue!

*sigh* Whatta man.

Lois must have spent a fortune on that horse armor.

So Superman shows up with Wonder Woman after some sort of mission, and Lois gets all angry when he says they have to leave again for another crisis.

Mod Amazon? Fantastic!

Bruce Wayne was never one to miss an opportunity:

Why not, indeed, Lois? And look at the fun you're going to have together:

Bruce Wayne: Barrel of Fun.

Bruce and Lois continue courting...with sexy results (this is where I get really jealous):

Argh! So jealous! But...Lois is pretty awesome:

Hee! (Wait...what is Bruce wearing around his neck?!).

So now they're engaged, and Bruce decides to break the news to his best buddy Superman. The entire next page is AMAZING:

Holy smokes. First of all...does anyone not have a creepy shrine devoted to Lois? Secondly...Superman is smashing that bust of Lois in the face with his fist! I'm terrified! And the sobbing! Oh, Superman, pull yourself together. After all....you have a wedding to go to:

Ouch.

Lois, by the way, does not know that Bruce Wayne = Batman. That's a little something Bruce likes to pull out for the wedding night:

That panel of him swinging her around is very cute. As is the one below, with the GIANT DIAGRAM OF HIS SECRET CAVE.

The thing I really like about all of this is how happy Lois is. She's such a superhero fangirl. Bruce Wayne was a pretty good husband...but Batman?! Outstanding!

Superman isn't the only one who's jealous:

Stop lurking around the newlyweds, creepy! What are you hoping to see? I do love what he's thinking, though. (Jimmy Olsen knows Batman's secret? That's a blow).

Eventually Bruce Jr is born, which Robin is also not too happy about:

I love the "Cool it, Robin."

The purpose is to train the toddler as a crimefighter. I'm serious. If you weren't already concerned about Batman's sanity and his tendency to place minors in harm's way, you should be now.

Robin is stone pissed about turning the duo into a trio, until Batman asks him to be the kid's teacher:

Wow. Lois is in on this plan, eh? That's kinda surprising.

In that second panel I love the giant close-up of Batman's nose, and Robin saying "It swings!"

Things start to go wrong in the second half of the story. Lois gets kidnapped and nearly driven mad by crooks who want to know Batman's secret identity. I just think this next set of panels is awesome-looking:

Nice, Lois. Real nice. What did Clark ever do to you? You couldn't have said "Lex Luthor?"

The story continues in a direction that I cannot possibly explain. Just to give you some idea of how far off the rails it gets, this is a later panel:

Anyway, the whole thing ends like this:

"Boy was I wrong!"
"You sure were, friend! Her life is totally in danger!"
"Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
"Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

Let's Rap!

In 1970, DC got its two squarest heroes to convince kids to fill out a survey.

"Let's Rap!" says Superman, fooling no one.

You can jive talk all you want, Supes. It only makes you look older.

We dig, Superman.

"Groovy?" Take another hit, you hippy!

Anyway, let's see what "groovy" things kids can choose from.

Wait, I'm sorry. What was that?

Yup, wedged right in there between Pollution and Space Flights.

Also of note on that list, Sports - which one (with nowhere to write which one) and Astrology. Not astronomy. Astrology. I would like to read a comic that involves everything on that list. Black astrologists who fly into space to solve city and national problems like pollution. Also, they play sports and fall in love. And have hobbies. (Hobbies is so vague. I love it).

It's worth reading the rest of that survey too.

And Now The Moondancers!

I've been known to complain about the current Superman/Batman series, because it is so crappy. But sometimes you just gotta pull out an old issue of World's Finest to remind yourself that it wasn't all solid gold either.

This issue is many things, but mainly:

a) Melodramatic
b) Ridiculous
c) Romantic

It takes place during that angst-ridden time when Batman and Superman broke up and Batman formed the Outsiders with his new loser friends ("I don't need you, Superman! I've got...Geo-Force! And Halo!").

Alright, so in fair Cape Canaveral, where we lay we scene, our star-crossed lovers are sad:

Superman is thinking that, though he isn't too fond of Batman of late, he doesn't really want him to die. It's really beautiful:

And why is Batman dying? Cause of these bitches:

Who wants to be the Moondancers for Halloween with me?! I call Harvest Moon! (And, for the record, the lone black Moondancer is called 'New Moon,' but her powers are ice-based because she represents the dark side of the moon. For real).

These ladies spray Batman with some weird moon virus.

And help they (Nasa scientists/the army) get, in the form of Batman's ex-best friend, Superman. Awk-ward.

But Superman sees Batman's lifeless body and rises above their petty differences with this bit of angst-ridden soul-searching:
God, I could look at that panel of them having coffee together all day.

Anyway, in the few hours or so that Batman is sick, Gotham City goes to hell. Even more so.

Wow. That...that's a real mess you got there, Gotham. This is what Bruce Wayne would see if he ever did the It's A Wonderful Life thing with his guardian angel.

So, as you can imagine, Commissioner Gordon is also missing Batman, and hoping for his speedy recovery. It's touching:

This is why Gotham is a hopeless mess. It's police officers get distracted by shooting stars. "And look down there, Commissioner! A tank is busting through a bank wall and over some police cruisers!"

Meanwhile, Superman is flying around space looking for a cure for Batman's alien virus. He finds one in a comet somehow. It's not important. He rushes back to Earth with it, and then whips together this little contraption:

What does it do? I don't know. But get ready for a fantastic panel of Superman watching...and waiting!

"Come on...come on! Go, respiration, go!"

Guess what? It works. And it makes for an uncomfortable, and adorable, reunion:

Superman flies off to do stuff so Batman can sleep. But he leaves him unattended, and guess who strolls in:

You suck, Superman.

Superman's living it up in Gotham, putting the fear of God back into the hearts of criminals. One thing he does is disconnect the fuse of a bomb some crooks are using to blow up a bank vault. It's awesome:

And then he chills with Gordon for a second, who still doesn't seem to be doing much about the whole explosion of crime that is tearing his city apart:

I think he may just have said to hell with it and hit the bottle. "Thanks, shooting star! I'll keep the faith!"

Alright, so Superman decides to maybe check in on his sick pal, who happens to have been knocked unconscious by the Moondancers.

"We've got to find them, and fast! But first I have to go back and get my gloves!"

As it turns out, the Moondancers are anti-nuclear activists who feel that their means justifies their end. But who really cares? Let's watch Superman and Batman kick their asses:

Er, well. Just Batman, then.

That's about all you need to see of that story. Except maybe these panels of Batman climbing and straddling a giant phallus:

EPILOGUE:

The Moondancers made a final appearance in Grant Morrison's Animal Man #25 in that comic book limbo place for forgotten characters:

Good riddance.

This Week's Haul: Batman's Magical Mystery

Sorry this week's is a little late. I had a lot of stuff to read. I don't have time to review everything, so I'll just say that Jonah Hex, Scalped, and The Initiative were all really good. I haven't gotten to the Simpsons Summer Shindig yet.

Spider-Man Loves Mary-Jane #19

Everything is always a little bit better whenever a new issue of Spider-Man Loves Mary-Jane comes out.

Look at how cute!!!:

Ok, so in this issue it becomes clear that Flash has some personal problems because he's tired all the time. Harry continues to be a pretty big jerk. And MJ helps both Flash and Spider-Man, because she is awesome.

But what I love is that she does it on her own time. This scene, where she politely declines Spider-Man's request for her to listen to his problems, is fantastic:

Yeah! When Spider-Man says 'jump,' MJ says 'maybe later.' I love it!

Eventually they do meet to talk about Spidey's girl troubles. He's conflicted because Firestar wants them to reveal their identities to each other. It's a thinly-veiled euphemism for 'going all the way.'

The tension is killing me!!!

Detective Comics #833

Well this was exciting! Lots of fun with a twist ending that I won't give away. I really haven't liked Kramer's art on this entire run, but I thought this issue looked really good.

I like stories that pair up Batman and Zatanna because magic makes him so uncomfortable. I thought the back story about them as kids was cute.

Lately their relationship has been made more interesting after the whole mind-wiping incident in Identity Crisis. I am hoping that after this two-part story the bad blood between them will be resolved.
The All-New Atom #12

I laughed out loud so many times while reading this. Starting with the first page:

Gail Simone rules. I love Ryan Choi so much. I love the quotes that pop up throughout every issue (including one by Brian Posehn in this one!). I love everything that Ryan says and everything he thinks.

I love the supporting characters, especially the floating head that is now his roommate.

People that aren't reading this are missing out. It is hilarious.

Nightwing #133

Beautiful cover by Ryan Sook.

Inside we had a whole lot of Dick being dumb. Y'know, everyone gives Hal a hard time for being kinda stupid and always thinking with his crotch, but I would argue that Nightwing is worse.

In this issue he meets up with an old flame, and pretty much loses his mind. I mean, seriously. We get pages and pages of this thought process:

I want to remind you that this is abridged. There were seriously pages of this, ending with this one:
"I like pie."

Dick, you're an idiot. This weakness for females is a serious handicap. I can't even imagine. Like, I like cheeseburgers, but I'm not all Don't eat it. It will crush you, just like before. Smells so good. Meat. Meat and cheese. It smells like meat and cheese. Don't eat it.

Pull yourself together, Dick.

Midnighter #8

Awwwwwwwwwwww!!!

This issue starts with Midnighter being his usual badass self, killing a dude in a horrible, horrible way. Which leads to this very funny panel:

Hawksmoor decides that Midnighter needs to work on his human relation skills. He wants Midinghter to try helping an ordinary citizen with an ordinary problem.

Hee!!!

He does find her cat, after what turns out to be a fairly Midnighter-ish adventure involving a mad scientist who is turning housepets into bionic super-pets. We get this adorable scene at the end:
This very fun issue was written by Christos Gage, and the artwork, by John Paul Leon, was really nice. I like the Midnighter comics because the character is almost a blank slate. Creators can kind of go crazy coming up with things for him to do.

Justice League Unlimited #34

Do you know what I like about the JLU comics? This:

Blue Beetle! Hanging with Booster! All the characters are here in soothing, uncomplicated forms.
I always check out the JLU comic every month, and some are more interesting than others. This was a good one. It involved Superman confronting Zod in the Phantom Zone. And it ended with this, which you won't find at the end of any other comic:

They made a banner!!!

Man, that gang is so cute.

Countdown Week 47

Sean McKeever steps up to the plate this time, and I thought the results were far better than any previous issue of Countdown. I haven't been hating the series as much as a lot of people, but I am aware that it's a bit of a letdown after 52.

There were some really interesting and fun moments in this issue, like the business with Black Adam giving Mary his powers:

Huh.

And I LOVED the conversation between Pied Piper and The Trickster.

I find these two so charming. That's just some well-written dialogue. I'm excited that McKeever has joined team DC.

Supergirl #18

??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea what's going on here, but I know I don't like it.

Gross!

Well, at least I agreed with one thing:

Birds of Prey #107

Alright. Let's see what it's like when women fight each other and it doesn't suck.

Awesome!

Things actually ended pretty nicely for most of the Birds of Prey/Secret Six battles. Huntress and Catman went back to flirting:

Barda and Knockout called a truce and shook hands as a display of mutual respect:

Ice was back to normal, all sweet and nice and alive:

And Deadshot is still awesome:

Superman #663

This issue was clearly supposed to have come out before last week's Countdown, and before Lightray's death. They cover it up with one of those little "This story occurs prior to Countdown #48" boxes. But let's not quibble over scheduling problems. Let's instead focus on how awesome it is watching Superman use his teeth to rope up a bunch of meddling kids with heavy cable:

I don't know if I've ever seen Superman carry anything in his mouth before. Huh. Neat.

In this issue Superman is still troubled by the prophecy handed to him by Arion: that the presence of himself and other aliens was going to lead to the ultimate destruction of the human race. While he broods over this, a bunch of pesky kids from New Genesis are creating chaos all over Metropolis. It's kinda funny.

Lightray tells Superman to take the night off, promising that he'll make sure the kids clean up their mess. Supes reluctantly agrees and takes Lois to Maine, which is pretty awesome. Unfortunately, he can't stop thinking about that damn prophecy, and about how Arion has told him that he has to stop being Superman.

Man, how late do the antique shops stay open in Maine?

So that was Lois' opinion. Supes also gets one from an oddly-dressed Lana:

I was into that. The other options for a man with Superman's powers, if he has to quit the hero game.

I was also into how beautiful Pacheco's art is:

Pretty...

Pretty...

This Week's Haul: So This is What it Sounds Like...When A GOD DIES!

Two weeks in a row my comics were delayed until Thursday. I can understand last week, because it was a Canadian holiday. But this week it was just a dumb American holiday and they held back on releasing the comics on Wednesday here just to be fair. Horrible!

Anyway, the agonizing wait is over. And it was worth it because there was a lot of fun between the covers this week.

Countdown Week 48

So...who doesn't know about Jason Todd's identity?

Like...this is concerning me. Bruce should really put a lid on this thing because it won't take a genius to figure out who Batman is if the whole world knows that Jason is an ex-dead ex-Robin. Jason's hero name seems to be Jason Todd, because more people seem to be calling him that than anything else.

Hey, look at what Jimmy can do!

Weird!

Karate Kid says something that you will never hear outside of a comic book:

And Lightray dies, causing Superman to speak in fonts:

That cracked me up. It probably wasn't supposed to.

Amazons Attack #2

Oh, those pesky Amazons.

Once again, the Amazons are HARDCORE:

Daaayummm!

I'm liking this, because Will Pfeifer and Pete Woods is a solid combination. And look at this thing:

There are battles, and then there are BATTLES. This, my friends, is as awesome-looking as an attack gets.

My boy Batman gets a starring role in this one. This is fun:

Oh, I have been waiting my whole life for someone to say that to me.

As much as I love me some Batman, I was kind of sad for Black Canary. I mean, who exactly is in charge here?!

Come on, Dinah! You're supposed to be the chairperson! Tell Batman to shut up!

Daredevil #97

I am finally caught up on this series. And what the hell took me so long?! It's FANTASTIC. I mean, obviously. You team up Brubaker and Lark and the results are always so good they actually frighten me a little. I mean, even if I didn't already think so, this series alone would tell me that Brubaker is the best writer in comics today. But he also happens to be writing, and has written, a whole bunch of totally amazing comics.

I mean, there are a lot of great writers working in comics right now, but Brubaker writes comics that I feel I can lend to anyone, whether they normally read comics or not, and they will not only love them, but they will understand them. His writing is very straightforward and engaging, and avoids getting tangled up in obscure references or overly complicated casts of characters.

Sometimes I'll just stare at one panel, re-reading the dialog and staring at the art forever. It's just so good. Daredevil is my new boyfriend. I mean, check this out:

Yeah. That's hot.

This was pretty surprising:

I hope Brubaker and Lark are doing the next 200 issues of Daredevil. And then Brubaker should write a new Daredevil movie that doesn't suck.

Blue Beetle #15

J. Torres!!!!

Superman was a really busy guy this week. He shows up in Hawkgirl, Countdown, Amazons Attack, and this as well as starring in a giant-size issue of Action Comics. It's a toss-up between this comic and Hawkgirl for most adorable cameo, but this was decidedly more entertaining.

I mean, first of all there's this page:

I just love the way he's holding both of those guys. Also, Livewire rules.

It gets really funny at the end because there's this whole Very Special Episode-style conversation between Blue Beetle and Superman:

That's just so...funny. "Go on, son. I'm listening." And then the sage advice and the whole "You did the right thing." "Thanks, Superman." exchange was just so delightfully wholesome. Superman!

And the art, by Freddie Williams II, was great too. Check out this facial expression:

I love this series.

Green Lantern #20

Everyone's favourite piece of meat is back in action this week. He's still dealing with that obnoxious Star Sapphire.

Hal does what he always does when faced with a problem. He makes out with it.

Pretty clever, Hal. When in doubt, make out.

This is what I like about Green Lantern comics. I'm just sayin', you're not going to see that in a Batman comic.

I love the art on this run. Everyone is all great-looking.

I like Cowgirl. But it doesn't look good for her, because guess what Hal just found out about Carol:

"Divorce?! That's my favourite word!"

Oh, Hal.

Justice Society of America #6

More Geoff Johns goodness!

"Insane? Wait, who are you again?"

Oh Starman. I love your crazy ass:

Aaaand I loved this:

Hee! I am really enjoying this Kingdom Come Earth development. I guess that what we are really learning is that all of the Elseworlds actually exist in the multiverse. It's fun.

And this was fun:

What about Black Lightning? He's cool! And he's standing right there! What wouldn't Diana like about a gold medalist decathelete?

Lovin' this cross-over. Get to the part where Barry Allan comes back!!!

Teen Titans # 47

I'll be honest. I only half-understood what was going on here. I'm making an effort to get to know the Titans but they are so damn confusing.

I did understand this though:

Robins! Ooodles of Robins!

Lordy those three boys all look the same. It's like Bruce has them manufactured or something.

Well, that was unnecessary, Tim. I expected better from you.

Action Comics #850

Now THIS was adorable!

A celebratory 850th issue of Action Comics that looks back at Superman's history via the Legion of Superheroes teaching Kara about her cousin. It's very clever and fun. And it's beautifully drawn by my new favourite person, Renato Guedes.

So, yeah. Brainiac 5 is testing out his new invention, the Chronexus, which allows people to view any point in time. He decides to use it to show Kara Superman's past. But first he has to find the correct past (read: the current origin and continuity for Superman; read: Birthright), which is fun. It takes him a few tries, which means we get awesome pages like this:

Everything is good about that page. "That hair! No."

Eventually Brainiac finds the right Superman and we follow him from birth on Krypton to present in a series of vignettes with snappy Legion commentary. And there are some really awesome and cute scenes, like this one after Clark's debut as Superman:

"Ah!" So cute.

His first date with Lois:

His first Justice League mission:

Barry! You're killing me! Look at his posture!

And here's a heartbreaking scene where Clark and Lois are talking about children:

Awwwwww.

Superman's Sexy Jungle Adventures

If ever you are trapped in the jungle with someone, make sure it's Superman. Even without his powers. And you should try not being a total bitch.

No, Superman. She doesn't.

I'm not saying that Superman doesn't deserve Lois's crap. I mean, he's dealt out more than his fair share. And I do appreciate that Lois has no problem talking smack to Superman. At one point in this comic I thought that Superman wasn't going to take it anymore:

It turned out to not be as dark a moment as it seemed. Superman merely wanted to build a nice shelter for her.

Dude, that is pretty impressive. And how much do I love that he stripped half naked so he could give Lois his cape and shirt?

A lot.

This is where things get sexy:

Seriously, folks. It does not get hotter than that. That's steamy stuff for 1964. And did you know that Kryptonians don't have nipples?

But wait! There's more! Watch and marvel as our shirtless and freshly-shaved hero battles a poisonous snake!

What a man, indeed!

Take that, snake! You thought you were gonna take a bite out of Superman, but instead...KRRUNCH! I hope you like milkshakes, snake!*

So there you go. Sexiest comic ever. Except maybe this one:

* I hope Superman takes that poor snake back to the Fortress of Solitude zoo and feeds it milkshakes.