Supergirl Plays Cupid

Here's a little story about a time where Supergirl gets tired of living in an orphanage and resorts to drastic measures in hopes that she can get the hell out of there. It's from Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #14 (1960).

Oh, calm down Lois. It's Superman. What's he going to do? Take all those waterskiiers back to his tour bus after the show?

How often does Supergirl spy on Lois?

Aaahh!! Those eyes! They will haunt me forever!

So this is how desperate and crazy poor Supergirl has gotten. And here's her plan:

Alright! Way to beat Superman at his own game! This is the sort of crap he would normally be pulling on Lois, because Superman loves nothing more than making Lois think she's crazy. Here's my favourite one:

Ahahahaha! A coffee pot! Nice one, Supergirl!

Also..."Severe Kitchen Ware."

So Superman decides that he might possibly be in love with Lois. Which I never thought was the issue. I thought he just didn't want to put her in danger so he never acted on his feelings. Right?

Well, anyway:

"Perry said I could borrow his pleasure schooner any time I want."

I'll bet he did.

Good lord! Look at the size of Perry's pleasure schooner! How much does the editor of the Daily Planet make?!

Back to the date...
Those are some unorthodox cooking classes they are teaching at the Midvale Orphanage.

Holy crap, Lois! Do you want to date Superman or not? Because sometimes Superman has to go save lives, alright?

And now it's time for Supergirl to make some romance happen:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

What?! No! Ok, look Superman. It's one thing to suddenly decide not to propose to a lady, but you should NOT tell her that you were just about to propose but decided not to because she fell in the water. That's just cold. As is flying away suddenly, leaving Lois alone on a boat.

Superman feels kinda bad the next day, and decides to go apologize:

What?! That TRAMP!

"Love, Batman." I just melted. I know it's not really him writing that card, but still...

I have to say, this is bold for Supergirl. Especially since she hasn't actually met Batman yet. At least not that we've seen.

No! If anyone is going to be his Bat-Queen it's going to be me!!!

Ohhhhh dear. Now you've done it, Supergirl.

Oh, you Super-heel!

Well, it turns out that Superman was playing along the whole time:

"I'll never interfere with Cousin Superman's romantic life again!"

Well, at least not until your next appearance, when Superman makes you pretend to be his fiance. And it is just as creepy as it sounds. But I already talked about that story way back here.

The Supergirl From Krypton Meets Her Asshole Cousin!

I think the logical starting point for Supergirl Week is with her first appearance in Action Comics #252. I think Superman's initial treatment of Supergirl is one of the greatest (fictional) injustices of all time. Let's have a look:

Superman is just about to smash the missile to bits until he realizes that there's a person inside:

Ok, Superman in that third panel? Amazing. He goes from being totally shocked in the previous panel to being completely calm and thoughtful. And skeptical.

"I'm from Krypton!"
"Nope."

Man, Supergirl is just so cute in that last panel. Seriously. And I love Superman's off-panel babbling.

Supergirl cheerfully proceeds to tell the tragic tale of her family's short-lived escape from Krypton. And when she's done, Superman is shocked to learn something else:

How quickly he pulls his hand away.

So this is pretty great, right? Superman, who has been alone on this Earth for so long with no family and believing he is the last of his race learns he has a cousin! And she's here!

Yay! This will be perfect! She can live with Superman and they can bond and he'll help her adjust to life on Earth after the tragic and sudden loss of her family and equally-traumatizing solitary voyage through space!

Right?

"Yeaaaahhhhh...about that...see, I have a really small apartment, and y'know...I'm pretty busy. I can't really take care of a kid right now...I've got a lot on my plate...and the place is a mess, really..."

But don't worry! Superman has a "great idea" for her life on Earth! It's not like he's a douche or anything...

WHAT?! That is not a "great idea," Superman. That is actually the worst idea.

SERIOUSLY?! An ORPHANAGE?! After all she's been through?! What do you credit your heroism to, Superman? I'll tell you: your loving parents who adopted you when you crashed to Earth. So why do you think this is ok?

Superman gets some clothes to make his cousin less hot. He feels much better now.

Hey, you know what a good Earth girl name is? Kara.

Let's see what name she picks:

DC doesn't think much of its readers. They remind us that Linda Lee is Supergirl in the very next panel.

I also want to comment on Superman's story: wouldn't the guy at the orphanage want more information about that "big disaster that wiped out her whole community"? Wouldn't something like that have made the news?

Poor, poor Supergirl. She probably thinks this is how it goes on Earth. "Sure thing, Superman. Even though I am just as powerful as you, I will live in this godforsaken orphanage and remain unseen until you need me. Just let me know! I'll be right here...wearing this wig...alone..."

Her first Super Job? Cleaning her room!!!

Man that sucks.

No, Supergirl. No. You can't use your x-ray vision for spying on other kids. Also: you are disobeying Superman, actually, and I approve.

Proud of your cousin, eh? Maybe you should read some Superboy comics. He isn't the greatest friend in the world. You should talk to a guy named Mon-El.

Oh, Supergirl. Just you wait! I got two words for you: Flying Cat!

Lois Lane: Girl Chef

If there is one thing I love as much as comic books, it's food. Logically, I then also love this classic story from Lois Lane #1.

It begins when Lois overhears some sound advice on how to get a man to propose to you. Naturally, this interests her due to her unhealthy obsession with Superman. Check out the Daily Planet's love advice columnist:

You know that dude is getting it regular.

So Lois is thinking about making Superman a home-cooked meal. But then she's like "But why stop there when I can do something totally insane?!"

Perry White is so drunk in that panel.

Right, so Lois gets a job as a chef, and also gets a week off her job as a reporter (besides that gripping article she's expected to turn in about her life as a short-order cook).

The bait is set...let's see if Superman bites...

"Doo-de-doo...flying around and...WHA?! Steak?! Whoosh!"

Oh, Lois. That is not how you cook a steak. Salamander ovens are for nachos and other things that need melting. You are being crazy.

So everything seems to be coming up Lois, until...

Oh no! Superman's heat vision has ruined what would have been a perfectly mediocre steak!

So I guess Lois is putting in 12-hour days at the diner.

Oh how I wish there was a pancake that made you a Man of Steel rather than a Man of Tummy Aches.

So Lois's false promises about the pancakes draw in a pretty big crowd. So big that she can't handle it and has to take on an adorable sous chef:

Superman works hard. So hard, in fact, that when he is done there is no pancake batter left for him!
Lois once again resorts to false advertising, and then goes about making a big-ass sundae. Which, I'm just going to say this, has really nothing to do with cooking.

Giant sundae...seems foolproof right? WRONG! Look at how horribly and absurdly wrong this goes:
Ok, before I even get into Superman's crazy plan to stop an icicle from falling, let's talk about those ice cream flavours: Red, Yellow and Blueberry. Red and Yellow are not flavours.

And Superman...it just seems like you easily could have flown there and caught that icicle in the time it took you to warm up that plate using superfriction, and throw it across the city. That implies that objects you throw move faster than you can, and I just don't buy that.

Also, your solution just means that all of those people are going to get wet.

Superman has a complicated solution to every problem:

Clark Kent shows up at the diner the next day, but Lois is unimpressed. Jimmy has to stand while he eats:
Ok, are you ready for the reason why Superman needs to return to the diner? It isn't because he wants Lois to see him enjoying her food. That would be far too kind. It's because of this:

WHAT?! Wouldn't Clark Kent's fingerprints be on lots of things that Lois has access too? Like, things around the office? So here's Superman's crazy solution to a simple problem:

Would she notice, Superman? Would she? What about super speed? Can't you fly to the moon and back without people noticing?

This story does have a pretty adorable ending though:

Superman's little wink at the reader "I said 'I love you' because she helped a man in the hospital, not because I actually love her. That would be gross!"

This Week's Haul: WHAT are you DOING Dakota??!!

Hello All!

Sorry I have been a little absent this week. It's been a busy week, what with school, work, NHL exhibition games, an Elton John concert, and Lego Batman.

PLUS the excitement of my band's CD hitting #8 during its second week on the national campus charts! For those of you who are interested in checking out The Stolen Minks, you can listen to some tracks here, including some from our new album, High Kicks!

And now some quick comic reviews, on a thankfully light week for new releases.

Daredevil #111

No Dakota! Don't do it! Don't sleep with Daredevil even though he's all shirtless and helpful and sexy and...aw dammit.

Sorry Dakota. But you have now destroyed your life.

Also in this issue: a sexy new villainess! And the beginning of what looks like a pretty awesome storyline!

Captain America #42

I love when a Brubaker double-header happens like this and we get Captain America and Daredevil on the same week. Unlike Daredevil, Captain America wraps up a long story arc with a relatively happy ending. And by happy, I mean Bucky is snuggling with Black Widow. That makes ME happy, anyway.

Ambush Bug #3

Man that's a great cover.

I don't believe I've taken the opportunity on this blog yet to express how happy I am that there is a new Ambush Bug series. It's been great, too. There have been some weird little things like colouring errors, maybe because it's being rushed to press, but overall its been fun. Right now is a great time to be poking fun at the DCU.

Superman #680

Man, when did Superman turn into such a whiny prick? He really lays it on thick when he meets Zatara. Like, Superdickery aside, Superman is not typically this big of an asshole. He sounds like Green Arrow or someone:

Zorro #7

I am posting both covers because every month Zorro is released with at LEAST two amazing covers. There's always a Matt Wagner one (on the right), and this month there was a beautiful Ryan Sook variant (on the left).

PLUS Francesco Francavilla art inside! All around, Zorro is one of the most beautiful comics being published right now. And it's a great read too. I don't get the impression that it's a big seller, but I can't recommend it highly enough.

And speaking of Francesco Francavilla being awesome, you should check out the art on his website, especially the commissions page. Damn...that's some nice stuff. Look at this Rocketeer!!

Whoever commissioned that one WINS.

Blue Beetle #31

Is this gonna be canceled? Because I am going to be really sad if it is. I'm worried about it. Usually if I like something enough it gets canceled. And I don't know if a guest appearance by Doctor Mid-Nite is enough of an incentive to get people to pick it up. Besides me, of course.

In this issue Blue Beetle starts his fight against anti-immigration laws. It was only a matter of time, I suppose.

This Week's Haul: Vote Against DC Decisions

Man, I read so many comics this week. Here are some of them:

DC Universe Decisions #1 (OF FOUR??!!)

I'll just say this, because this could turn into a whole long thing if I get started: it's been done before and it's been done better.

All-Star Superman #12

Well...what can be said? This comic was perfect. The whole damn series was perfect and life has no meaning or purpose now that it's over.

Action Comics #869

Woah, except...holy wow! I enjoyed this just as much as All-Star Superman! Geoff Johns and Gary Frank are just so fantastic together, and this Brainiac storyline has been so awesome. And the really amazing thing about this story is that it takes place within Superman continuity AND it incorporates Supergirl in a way that doesn't suck at all! In fact, it rules!

Ghost Rider #27

In the comic shop yesterday I commented to someone who was buying the new Ghost Rider that I've been really enjoying Jason Aaron's writing on it. The customer disagreed, and felt that the story had gotten too silly. I really don't know how to respond to things like that. What level of realism are you looking for in a comic about a flaming skeleton riding a motorcycle?

Billy Batson and the Magic of Shazam #2

This comic is just really, really great. This was a really good week for all-ages comics! Not only the ones I mention here, but also Tiny Titans and Marvel Adventures Avengers!

X-Men First Class #16

The last issue of this series, but not the end of X-Men First Class. In this issue we are promised an upcoming Giant Size special, and a new mini-series. I love X-Men First Class. I think it's a great idea for a comic, and I think it's really enjoyable every month. I'm sad to see it go as a monthly.

The Age of Sentry #1

At least Jeff Parker softens the blow of X-Men First Class ending by giving us an all-new awesome title in the same week! Parker shares the writing duties with Paul Tobin in a comic that gives us two delightful silver age-style stories that poke fun at some of the absurdities of the era without being a full-on parody. Nick Dragoda and Ramon Rosanos provide beautiful art. The colour throughout the book is just excellent. And check out that cover! It's an awesome comic. I can't wait for the next one.

Uncanny X-Men #502

Man I wish they would get someone else doing the art on this book. I really like this series but god damn...

The Spirit #21

Another perfectly good comic ruined by gratuitous T&A. Sometimes I wonder if these artists have ever actually seen women's clothing before.

The Amazing Spider-Man #572

This comic is actually making me want to read Thunderbolts. Almost.

 

In this comic our hero gets riddled with bullets from Bullseye. Then Bullseye gets riddled with bullets! Oh the bitter taste of your own medicine.

Greatest Hits #1

A new series from Vertigo started up this week. The premise is a British superhero foresome operating in the 60s, whose fame and career closely resembles that of British rock bands at the time. It's a fun idea, and it's a fun first issue.

I'm the birthday boy or girl!

It's my birthday!

My gift to you is my favourite still from the Justice League cartoon:

If ever they were going to kiss, this would have been their moment.

And this link, which my friend sent me. Some brilliant person amassed a collection of Kermit the Frog photos which mirror photos of Christian Bale. It's amazing: CHECK IT OUT!