"Tell him I'm not in."

I told myself that I was going to lay off posting about Batman and Superman for a bit. But then I came across these panels in World's Finest #294:

This is the most emo thing I have ever read. It's unsettling to know that the World's Finest heroes have the emotional maturity of myself at age 15.

I love the phone sex lighting in the first panel. I love that Batman has a gallery of framed photos of himself and Superman and they're not even in the Batcave. They are just, like, in his den or something. (I can't believe Bruce Wayne would ever go for wood paneling, but anyway). I also love that he's just gazing at them and stroking them longingly (In the dark? With a flashlight?).

But those last few panels? Unbelievable. I am being crushed by the angst. Batman's silhouette with the clenched fist! Clark fiddling with the phone cord! Clark's single tear!!!

As an aside, I love that Superman keeps the glasses on even when he's home alone. In the dark. Crying.

So basically what I am saying is that Superman/Batman Annual #1 wasn't really over-the-top. This sort of puts everything in perspective.

Ok...next post totally won't be about Superman or Batman.

"Brokeback Titanic"

I gotta address Superman/Batman Annual #1 because it's a comic that's ripping the DC fanbase clean in two. Love it or hate it, you have to admit it's odd.

I am of the camp that totally loved it. It was completely silly and over-the-top but...it was also completely silly and over-the-top. More than anything, I am just surprised that they took the joke so far with the big two characters.

The Superman/Batman series has been a bit of a joke since it started. It's not bad by any means. It is certainly a little mushy (who am I kidding? It's practically one long romance novel), and a bit of a playground for the writers (mainly Jeph Loeb) to play around with the biggest icons in comics. For the most part, what happens in Superman/Batman stays in Superman/Batman, and doesn't affect the larger DC universe. DC has referred to Superman/Batman as their "big summer blockbuster." I see it as more of an experimental indie film.

Anway, let's look at Annual #1. Basically, it's a tongue-in-cheek re-telling of the classic comic, Superman #76, the first Superman and Batman team-up, and where they first learned each other's secret identities. Both Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne end up on the same cruise ship. For whatever reason, there is a booking error and they have to share a room (sure...a billionaire can't secure a private room...whatever). Then trouble pops up and they both want to change into their hero suits...secretly. Let's roll the clip:

I have to say, that's pretty anti-climatic. I very much like this new version of the same moment (after a couple of panels of both men waiting for the other to leave):

Hilarious!

The updated version is what they are calling a "re-imaginary story." It's pretty much a Bizarro comic, in that it's a comedy piece that breaks the fourth wall repeatedly. It also serves as something of an official response to the endless jokes, or endless devout beliefs depending on who you ask, that Batman and Superman are totally in love with each other. This is DC reclaiming its characters and saying "Hey, if they're gonna be hitting on each other, they're doing it on our terms." Actually, to be more correct "If people are going to be implying that they're gay, then we're going to make our own characters do the implying."

I give you these pages, which pretty much sum up the feel of the whole comic. They are also really, really funny.
Yeah...there was no bed-sharing in ol' Superman #76. Nice touch.

I could scan the whole thing and give a 100 item list of things that delighted me about this comic, but I'm trying to stay focussed. What I would really like to get into is how this comic, however ridiculous, is basically spoofing its own series. I could show countless examples of panels that go way over-the-top with the intensity of Superman and Batman's relationship just in the first six issues of Superman/Batman alone. That might have to wait for a later post. And I really do have to think about making some posts related to other heroes.

Even if you took out all the camp and silliness, I just really enjoy a fresh look at the moment that they discovered each other's secret identities. I would like to see more classic comic moments re-visited. Comic book heroes have become so gritty and realistic that it's fun to throw them into a zany golden or silver age adventure.

In this comic, I really like that Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne basically hate each other. Then they find out that they are really Superman and Batman. Then they continue to sort of hate each other.
And, yes. "Brokeback Titanic" is something that is actually said in this comic about Bruce and Clark sharing a room. There's also this:

You know, it kind of takes the fun out of hunting for homoerotic subtext when they just serve it up on a flashing neon platter like that. And maybe that's the point. I'm sure that DC is sick to death of the slashers waiting impatiently for the ultimate hook-up. I sort of see this as a gift to slashers (because, hey, they're paying for comics too). Or perhaps it's the ultimate weapon against them (taking away their fun).

What we learn in the end, though, is that Mxyzptlk is a Superman/Batman slasher because the whole story was one that he made up in an attempt to "spice up" a classic. I always suspected as much.

Romance!

Sometimes you come across a comic so awesome you just have to post the whole thing.

This is a 5-page mini-comic at the end of World's Finest #302 written by David Anthony Kraft and drawn by David Mazzucchelli. It's easily the most romantic Superman/Batman story not written by Jeph Loeb.

I'm just going to let everyone read it uninterrupted. Notes will follow.

Alright. Here we go.

Pg.1: It really doesn't matter what's going on in the sky there. Although it does look like a pretty exciting adventure just wrapped up with an all-star cast. Basically all I want to say about this page is that I like the awkward way that Batman says that he's hungry, thirsty, and wants to chill out in the shade for a bit. (This is alarmingly out-of-character, and if I were Superman, I would be suspicious).

Pg.2: Isn't any restaurant on Earth handy for Superman? There is no reason why they had to go to this dive. I love that Superman wanted to share a table with Safari Guy and Commie Army Guy. Especially since there are only two chairs at that table. He must have known what their reaction would be. Maybe this is how he always gets tables.

Pg.3: There is so much awesome on this page that I have to break it down by panel.

Panel 1: Superman looks adorable leaning back in that chair like that. Batman, on the other hand, has very bad posture. I would expect better from a hard-core yoga guy. I love that they both order milk, and I especially love Batman's flustered "--Ah, uh, Make that two." This is a strange thing to say, and for a second I thought maybe the "ah" was the second part of a word he was trying to say when he was interrupted. But unless he was saying "Firstah," I guess not.
The only other explanation is that Batman is nervous and is trying to work up the nerve to tell Superman something.
Let's look at the patrons of the bar. We have two open-shirted cowboys, a lumberjack, and another safari guy. This looks like an over-the-top gay bar.

Panel 2: Add 'naked guy' to the list of bar patrons. Superman looks right at home here.
This panel begins their charming conversation.

Panel 3: GOD DAMN! BATMAN!! "Even a loner needs a friend sometimes..." My heart just shattered into a million pieces. That's the saddest Batman I've ever seen.

Just in case there are people who are just scanning this entry, and not really reading the comic, let's get a closer look at that panel:

Beautiful.

I also like that the background guys think that they are filming Superman IV. Even in this universe, there are Superman movies. I love it!

Panel 4: Neither of them are saying a word. They are just gazing meaningfully at each other while Superman touches Batman's arm. I know it's a colouring error, but I like to think that Batman has rolled up his sleeve to better feel Superman's gentle caress.
Love the cowboy's quote. "Tender." Way to ruin the moment, jackass. They were totally going to kiss!

Panel 5: I like to think that our heroes are still gazing silently at each other.

Pg.4:

Panel 1: Superman is totally making a pass here.

Panel 2: "What's holding up our milks?" is the best Batman quote of all time.
I LOVE that the cowboy wants to buy Batman a drink. And that he wants to "put hair" on his "lily-white chest." Says the guy with the snow white chest that looks pretty damn smooth. Pot? Meet Kettle! Sheesh!
Also love that cowboy #2 calls Superman "ma'am."
This panel is really creepy.

Panels 3, 4, 5 & 6: AWESOME!

Pg.5: It is rare and wonderful to find a man whose face goes 'BONK!' when you punch it.
It's just awesome that this ends with our heroes going to Bruce's house for brunch. Perfect. Also, they are assholes for talking Alfred into making them food. If it's morning in South Africa, I can't even imagine what ungodly hour it is in Gotham. Can't either of them fry an egg? Superman wouldn't even need a stove!
I would love to read a My Dinner With Andre-style sequel to this where they just talk about stuff over eggs benedict. Sadly, World's Finest #303 does not deliver.

Smallville: Not Totally Sucky

The premier for the sixth season of Smallville is airing tonight. Six seasons, if you can believe it. I hear a lot of feedback when I casually mention that I enjoy Smallville. Usually things like "That show is terrible" or "I've never seen it, but isn't it supposed to suck?".

Yes...and no.

There didn't used to be shame in liking Smallville. Season one, two, and three it was a giant hit with a lot of fans. Some of them comic fans, some never having any previous interest in comics. After season 3, and specifically after the crapfest that was season 4, the show lost a lot of fans. Smallville fandom used to be massive. At its peak, it was damn near Buffy-sized. Now it's looking a little more, er, Enterprise-sized.

I'm here to make a case for the little show that I still enjoy despite all the reasons it has given me not to. I'm going to start by examining four major points of the Smallville mythology, and rate how well they work.

1. The Meteor Shower - Superman came to Earth as a toddler in a space ship. Smallville adds a massive and destructive meteor shower to this event. The shower took out a lot of buildings in Smallville and killed some people, including 3-year-old Lana Lang's parents. Because of the meteor shower, there are fragments of Kryptonite all over town (called meteor rocks on the show because no one knows any better).

Rating: This actually makes a lot of sense. In comic canon Kryptonite just randomly appears on Earth. This gives a decent explanation as to why it's there. It also gives an excuse for the zillions of mutant villains that Clark has to fight. Kryptonite messes people up in many, many different ways. The downside is that, compared to some of the mutants and their crazy powers on the show, Clark's powers seem almost boring. You would think it would be easy for him to 'come out' in a town of super-powered mutants. The meteor shower also causes Clark a huge amount of guilt, because he knows he is responsible for all the death and destruction, including the death of the parents of the girl he loves. Angst!

2. Lex Luthor (and his dad) - Lex is exiled to Smallville at the age of 21 by his father to run the local LuthorCorp plant. Lex carelessly drives off a bridge and into a brooding Clark. The car, Lex and Clark go over the bridge and into the river. Clark pulls Lex out of the car, gives him mouth to mouth, and saves his life. Lex becomes instant friends with Clark, but also instantly obsessed with him.
Lex has an evil father named Lionel, who is a character made up for the show. Lionel is amazing. I would gladly watch a spin-off called "Lionel" for all eternity. So Lex is actually a nice guy, who just wants to be loved. He also is what the internet kids call "teh sex." He's got hot cars and hot clothes and he is always looking at Clark with sex eyes. He is bald from the meteor shower, which occurred when he was visiting Smallville with his Dad at the age of 9. Since then he has an enhanced immune system, but they don't really mention it much on the show. His entire body is hairless, save his eyebrows (lots of internet theories about the eyebrows, believe me). The Clark-causing-Lex's-baldness is rooted in canon Superboy comics, but this is in a more subtle way. Lex doesn't know about Clark being an alien, and thus he can't blame Clark. As the seasons went on, Lex starts to get less and less patient with Clark simply because Clark won't stop blatantly lying to him. No one who watches the show can blame Lex; Clark is a real ass most of the time. What we are learning, whether we are supposed to think this or not, is that the reason for Lex turning evil is Clark being a shitty friend.

Rating: Lex is the best part of this show and everything they have done with him has been great. Kudos to Michael Rosenbaum for making the character funny, tragic and sexy. And kudos to John Glover for making Lionel so damn awesome.

3. The Caves - Sadly a lot of the Superman mythology on Smallville revolves around some stupid cave drawings. In mid-season 2, Clark discovers some underground caves. They have a crazy language and drawings all over them. It turns out to be Kryptonian, but he doesn't learn that until the end of the season when he learns that he is from a planet called Krypton, thanks to info given to him by Christopher Reeve. Basically the caves are a major plot device that the writers have been using for the last 3 seasons to move shit along. Season 4 (aka - the horrorshow that was season 4) mostly revolves around Clark, Lex and Lionel all trying to collect 3 ancient relics which they know will do something when joined together in the caves. It's like a video game, but not fun or satisfying. When they are finally joined together, they transport Clark to the North Pole and form the Fortress of Solitude. Sometimes it takes something like that to remind you that the show is about Superman.

Rating: Booooooo. The caves are ridiculous! If I never see another cave scene again, it will be too soon.

4. Chloe Sullivan v Lana Lang v Lois Lane - Chloe Sullivan is Clark's long-time pal, editor of the school newspaper, and the original Veronica Mars. She also harbours undying love for Clark. Viewers tend to like Chloe and hate Lana because Lana is boring, self-centred and whiny. She lacks all the pluck of the important comic character, or of Annette O'Toole's Superman III portrayal. Lana and Clark have a drawn out, chemistry-free, on-again-off-again relationship for much of the series. Meanwhile super-awesome Chloe gets the shaft.
Lois Lane is Chloe's cousin. She debuts at the beginning of season 4. She has a strong start, but quickly wears out her welcome. Mostly she has giant breasts and she and Clark don't get along. It's supposed to be amusing that they fight all the time, but it's really forced and viewers constantly ask what the hell she's doing hanging out in Smallville anyway. It's going to ruin everything that happens in the future. First of all, she's seen Clark Kent as a rugged young man without glasses and a geeky suit. So she knows what he's going to look like when he's Superman. That's a problem. Also, she calls Clark 'Smallville' even though she is also living in Smallville, and everyone else in town also lives there. It makes no damn sense.

Rating: Chloe is an awesome original character that makes Lois obsolete. Lana is awful and should be killed off, canon be damned. Lois should just go away for another ten years or so. And have her memory wiped.

Let's look at 5 specific reasons why Smallville is enjoyable:

1. Lex Luthor. He's fantastic, and his obsession with Clark makes for fun and sexy scenes. He clearly has a giant crush on Clark. Beyond that, all scenes with Lex and his father are amazing. We also get to watch the evolution of Lex as a somewhat bratty, but mostly tragic young man who lost his mother at a young age. His father is evil, and Lex tries to distance himself and do good. In season 3 (the best season by far) he goes insane. We'll chalk it up to mental strain of having an evil father, a dead mother, and a lying best friend that won't just admit that he has super powers.

2. The Occassional Appearances by Canon Superman / DC Characters: So far on Smallville, we have seen these Superman/DC canon chracters:
Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Lana Lang, Lois Lane, Pete Ross, Jonathan and Martha Kent, Morgan Edge, Jor-El, Lucy Lane, The Flash (Bart Allan), Aquaman, Cyborg, Mxyzptlk (I'm not kidding...he was a hot Eastern European guy and the episode made no sense), Brainiac, Zod, and Perry White. Some of these have been pretty good (Perry White, Flash, Morgan Edge, Brainiac, Jor-El) and some have been totally pointless and confusing (Lucy Lane, Mxy, Aquaman). Jonathan and Martha Kent are younger on this show than in the usual canon, which was a great idea that makes a lot of sense. We've seen a lot of good (and fun) actors pass through this show too, including: Michael McKean, Rutger Hauer, Michael Ironside, Margot Kidder, Christopher Reeve, Carrie Fisher, Jane Seymore, Adam Brody, John Schneider, Tom Wopat, Annette O'Toole, Jensen Ackles, Terence Stamp, Ian Somerholder, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, James Marsters, and Shawn Ashmore). Next for season 6....Green Arrow and Jimmy Olson!

3. Red Kryptonite: What a beautiful plot device. On Smallville, Red K makes Clark go bad. Which, as a side-effect, makes him sexy. Red Kryptonite has only made its way into a few episodes, but man they were good ones!
On this same note, there are many episodes that involve personality-alteration for one reason or another. It's always a good time. Body-switching, weird Kryptonite-infused drugs, parasites, mind-control, magic, body-posession, shape-shifters...all good.

4. Jor-El: Jor-El is on Smallville only as a voice (specifically, the voice of Terence Stamp). But he is able to torture his son by burning Krytonian symbols into his chest (sexy) and by forcing him to choose which loved ones will live and which will die.

Jor-El is a prick. Asshole dads are something that Clark and Lex have in common (not that Clark could ever tell Lex that). Jor-El would like Clark to embrace his destiny and rule over Earth like a god. Clark isn't so much into that idea. Jor-El isn't so much into Clark's attitude. They have many an argument and at one point Jor-El erases Clark Kent and replaces him with Kal-El. Kal-El is more like the son that Jor-El always wanted. He's keen to rule over Earth, and he can fly (which is the only time we see Clark fly on the show). He's also naked, so...thumbs up!

5. Clark develops powers: Clark doesn't have all his powers yet. In the pilot he learns the extent of his invincibity, which continues to develop as the series goes on. Also in season one he gets his x-ray vision. In season 2 he gets his heat vision in the most hilarious way imaginable (he shoots fire out of his eyes when he's aroused. How embarassing). He later develops super hearing, and gains the ability to leap buildings in a single bound. Still no super-breath or flight as of yet on the show.

So overall an entertaining show which is better than Lois & Clark, but not as good as Justice League Unlimited. It's the only show about Superman on television right now, so I'm obviously going to watch it. The promise of Green Arrow, Jimmy Olson, superbreath for season 6 has reeled me in for another year. Plus there is going to be an episode that is Justice League-esque that will have Clark team up with young Flash, Aquaman, Cyborg and Green Arrow. Good enough for me!

Oh, and this show has slight homosexual overtones.

LIES!

There are misleading teaser covers, and then there are just plain lies.

I think it's safe to say that most comic covers exaggerate the content of the issue to sell copies. Sometimes they pick-out what turns out to be a non-event and blow it up on the front cover (Good example: Catwoman #19).

Sometimes it's something that's really more of a misunderstanding, or something that sort of happens, but not really (usually involving a shape-shifter, or some sort of mind-control, or a hero purposely acting like an ass because it's the only way to save a bunch of people). (Good example: Astonishing X-Men #14).

Sometimes it's more like an artistic summary of what happens. So the scene on the cover never actually happens, but it's figurative (Good example: the latest crappy issue of Detective Comics, #823).
But then there are just plain lies.

I bought this comic yesterday because the cover is completely awesome:

Here are some things that do not happen in this issue:

1. Superman does not ever try to pull Batman's mask off for any reason, or imply that he is thinking about doing it.

2. There is no mention of the fact that people will die if Batman's face is revealed.

3. Superman and Batman are never in their costumes at the same time.

4. Though they are in a castle for much of the issue, neither it, nor the people in it, look so medieval.

5. Superman and Batman don't even disagree once in this story, let alone end up in a position where Superman has Batman in a headlock and is forcing his mask off.

Is that not the most haunting facial expression you've ever seen? I can barely stand to look at it. And yet, I cannot look away.

Jesus. Now I've got the jeeblies. *shudder*

Doctor, Doctor.

In the 1960s life was simple. There was only one doctor costume available, and if you didn't like it, you could go pound sand.

Here we have Superman sporting the doctor costume:

In another comic, Bruce Wayne:

In yet another comic, one of Luthor's men:

And, finally, some other criminal wears the same get-up in another comic:

Does this costume fool anyone? Everyone owns one. And can you blame them? That is an excellent beard and moustache combo. Bruce Wayne really made it his own by switching up the lab coat for medical scrubs (PS - the nurse is Supergirl, and I thought she was drinking a soda, but I guess that's a roll of gauze).

And since we are talking about that panel, it's also a great example of how Superman solves simple problems with needlessly complicated solutions. Did he really need to bother Batman for this? Even better is in the next panel when the "doctor" tells Clark in front of Lois that he needs to keep the bandages on for two weeks. I think that was Bruce's pay-back for being dragged out during daylight hours to be a part of this absurdity.
Also...if Superman is so worried about getting those bandages on in a hurry, why doesn't he do it himself in a split second before Lois arrives?

Eventually I'll stop talking about Showcase Presents Superman. But who can really resist this stuff?