HOT Action Comics

The mid-80s was a time of boundary-pushing in the comic industry. Stories were trying hard to be gritty and dark and "real." Even with that in mind, I still don't know how this one got past the censors. Not so much because of it's mature subject matter, but because it's Superman.

First of all, big thanks to Dave for lending me these issues (Action Comics #592 & 593 by John Byrne).

Ok, so Big Barda is hanging out in Metropolis's notorious Suicide Slum when she runs into this guy:
His name is Sleez, and he is so gross that, get this, he was kicked out of Apokoplips. Yeah, you have to suck a lot for that to happen. Since Sleez is his game, as well as his name, he uses the power of the mega rod that he steals from Barda to make her dance for him in a skimpy outfit:

I love Sleez's jambox. What song do you think is playing? It looks like something from Jesus Christ Superstar, maybe. Or Hair.

Seriously, though, Barda's capture is pretty disturbing. We don't actually see her being forced to perform sexual favours, but panels like this one kind of imply that it's happening:

Yay! Superman! Except, no, wait. Superman is a douchebag:

That's, uh, real sensitive, Superman. Is that what you say to all rape victims? "Sorry, miss. I don't recognize you because you look like a WHORE." I mean, what if it was Wonder Woman under all that "glop"? Also, is Wonder Woman the only dark-haired woman that Superman knows? Because I can think of at least one other he might be familiar with...

So anyway, Sleez ends up trapping both Barda and Superman, and putting them both under his mind-control spell. Oh yes, you can see where this is going.

As it turns out, Sleez has been making money by pimping Barda out to a porno movie producer. He's already made at least one movie with her, and now he's offering Superman to the producer as well. Yup. That's what I said. Check it out:

Ok, wait. Rewind.

WOAH! WOAH! First of all, I think there just might be a market for THAT solo act, Mr Porno. And also...SOLO ACT?! SUPERMAN?! Just take a moment to consider what exactly they are talking about here. And then the line "any co-star's gonna wind up looking like my desk"!! This is so dirty and wrong!

Meanwhile, Darkseid has shown Mr Miracle some recent video footage of his wife "performing." Here are the excellent reaction shots of both Mr Miracle and Oberon:

So he runs off to find and rescue Barda.

This is really the money shot of the comic, as it were:

Ha! Superman sucks at porn! This is really as far as things get because Mr Miracle arrives to break up the party:

I wouldn't necessarily say that things were about to go too far, Mr M. I mean, they just started kissing finally. It's barely first base. (Alternately: Mr Miracle does not consider his wife kissing another man to be "going too far").

Afterwards, there is this awkward conversation between Superman and Barda:

"I mean, we...sort of kissed a little. Fully clothed..."

No one seems concerned enough that Barda was trapped for what must have been days, being forced to make porno movies. That's pretty awful.

And what became of Sleez? He blew himself up by igniting sewer gases. The result is one of the greatest Superman-explosion-aftermath panels I've ever seen:

"...Great... ...Scott...!!" It's a pretty good explosion panel, too.

So there you have it. Superman was once forced to do porn in an actual DC-published comic. So don't think that your fanfiction is original.

Homeless For the Holidays

Time for a Christmas story. A heartwarming one from 1989 by Roger Stern and Dan Jurgens.

Ok, so Superman is walking about town, waxing romantic about Christmas and how magical it is. Then he hears trouble:And by trouble, I mean a cuss word. I love that. "What?! A swear?! At Christmastime?!"

Because he has nothing better to do, Superman springs into action:

So even Superman admits that this isn't an emergency. It's profanity coming from a construction site. If Superman jumped every time he heard that, he would never have time to do anything else.

I will admit that the scene that follows is very cute and touching. And shows that construction guys sometimes like to spell out words rather than just say them.

Aw, that's a very cute tradition. I love these construction guys. Then they invite Superman to stay for coffee and sandwiches, and then sing to him as he flies away! Angels, every one of them. God bless you, Metropolis construction workers!

I posted the rest of that page so you could follow the story. It's his last day at the Planet because he's accepted an editor job at Newstime. I also think those floating heads of his coworkers are hilarious.

Moving on, the following page has one of the best Superman-changing-into-Clark panels I've ever seen:

Ok, the real reason why I am posting this comic is because it really hits close to home for me this year. Why, just last week I finished my job at a newspaper. I cleaned out my desk just before the Christmas break. Sure, I'm not accepting a fancy editor job somewhere else so much as I am taking more time to play video games and blog, but I can really relate to Clark here. Except maybe my co-workers weren't quite so cold to me.

Actually, as it turns out, the Planet staff is faking it. They love Clark still.

Clark, however, still isn't comfortable with kissing hot women.

Awww, surprise party. That's nice.

Anyway, there is a reason why this comic is called Homeless for the Holidays. It turns out that Planet employee Alice is secretly homeless...for the holidays.

What the shit, Perry? Pay your employees more! There is no way someone working full-time at a world class newspaper should have to live in a store closet.

In response, Perry writes a very long and heart-warming editorial piece on homeless people and what good citizens can do to help. I'm not going to repeat it here. It's goes on for over four pages. I'll give you a taste:

It's about time we reminded ourselves that the shabbily-dressed stranger shuffling by is another human being. Maybe he's not a "worthless bum"...maybe he's just had a run of bad luck. But we'll never know unless we make an effort to find out.

Uhh...ok. And if we find out that they are, indeed, a "worthless bum," then what? And at what point do we know that for sure?

Alice ends up spending Christmas with the White family. And Perry tells her he's going to convince management to start paying her decently. Which...is good. Seems like that should have been happening in the first place, but anyway.

Meanwhile, at the Kent Farm...it's heavy handed platitudes for everyone!

And creepy, Joker-faced Superman slamming back the nog.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Or, if you celebrate another holiday, enjoy that too. I'm unemployed now so this blog will be much less neglected in '07. That's my resolution.

Confidential

After two issues of Superman Confidential, I can safely say that it is totally awesome. I knew there was no chance that a Darwyn Cooke/Tim Sale team-up would suck. My stance on re-visiting the early years of super heroes is that they are good for both new readers and hardcore fans. Especially at a time where DC's biggest heroes are returning to the screen, it's good to welcome potential fans who may feel intimidated by comic books. Because, let's face it, getting into comics is daunting. Superman: Birthright was a smart thing for DC to release at a time where Smallville, a fantastic marketing tool for reaching a new generation of potential comic book readers (in particular, female comic book readers), was one of the most popular teen shows on television. And the Confidential series are smart things to start up after the popularity of Batman Begins and Superman Returns.

So anyway. Superman Confidential is great. Cooke's retro story telling compliments Sale's retro artwork nicely. Superman is just plain adorable in this series. I think the below page illustrates that better than any (just after Superman finishes a potentially life-threatening battle with a volcano that leaves him a little shaken):

Awwwww. Man, that's the cutest Superman I've ever seen.

Moving on. Batman Confidential is looking pretty terrible so far. It's supposed to replace Legends of the Dark Knight, which is kind of too bad because that series was a lot of fun. A real mouthful, but a lot of fun.

And why is it that we can't get a decent Batman series off the ground? All-Star Superman totally rules. All-Star Batman and Robin...well. You know. Kind of the worst thing in comic book history. And I am counting that comic where Superman teamed up with the Quik Bunny.

Let's have a look at Batman Confidential:

Aaaaaaahhhhh!!! That's not Bruce Wayne! THAT'S NOT BRUCE WAYNE!!! That's Steve Buscemi. If he were kept in a jar of vinegar for seven months. Jesus lord...

Now I have to look at some panels from Dave Gibbons' Worlds Finest book to get that image out of my mind.
Ahhh. Now there's some cute Batman. Look at the way he kneels on that chair! And the way he buckles his belt! Adorable!

In Batman: Confidential Bruce is also shown handling the gun that killed his parents. He explains to Alfred (and to me, since I wondered about it while reading stupid, stupid Batman: Year Two) that he got if from the police after they were done using as evidence. Right.

The other thing that separates the Superman and Batman Confidentials, besides good writing and good art, is that the Superman story is about something interesting. It's going to be Superman's first encounter with Kryptonite. I like it. Batman's story is...wait for it...how he got all his gadgets. My guess: WayneTech. I mean, really, however did a billionaire scientist end up with all those cool toys? I can't imagine.

I also like that Superman is set in what looks something like the past. Whereas Batman seems to be set in the future. And that's just confusing. If one of the goals of these series is to attract new readers, and I think it should be, then maybe you should make the story make as much sense as possible. And maybe make it not suck.

Superman: How It Should Have Ended

I'm pissed because I stupidly bought the lame Superman Returns DVD with no special features by accident. This video was the only thing that cheered me up. Hilarious!

Superman #126: Superman Plays British

I was going to go back to my idea of writing about comics that Darwyn Cooke gave us and write about Superman: True Brit, but that book is actually too ridiculous to bother reviewing.

I would much rather zip back in time and look at Superman posing as a Brit!

Like all good stories, this one starts with Superman giving himself amnesia.

Well, yeah Superman. I could have told you that experiment was a bad idea. And I never took chemistry.

So he starts to notice that he has some powers, and decides to try to learn more about himself:

Yeah, Superman. You study those murals. You study them hard. There is a lot of information there, so you might want to take notes. (I'm not entirely sure how he's using his super-breath in that picture. Is he cleaning the boat?).

Anyway, Superman decides he could use some normal-looking clothes, so he steals this guy's:

Alright, he doesn't steal. He accepts them as a gift. The point is that Superman looks totally ridiculous in a second.

Perry White is a whore for accents.

I was going to post these panels in full-colour, but I really think the black and white is better because it lets you use your imagination more. Superman looks silly, but consider for a moment just how silly he really looks. Monocle, pipe that never leaves his mouth, and, get this TALCUM POWDER in his hair to make it look blonde. This does not make your hair look blonde. It makes it look like it's full of talcum powder. Believe me. Basically what I am saying is that Superman looks like a crazy person.

But it's not all pipe-smoking and goofy-talking for Clarence Kelvin. He has to do some Superman chores as well. Like this one:
One of the key differences between the DCU and our world is that DC whales are vicious killing machines. I could do a whole post about people being rescued from golden and silver-age blood-thirsty whales. (I also like that the narration reminds us that Clarence Kelvin is actually Superman. In case we got lost in the intricate plot).

What's Lois think of our Clarence?

Par for course.

Yeah, Superman. Your new identity is wearing a little thin. It was never really what you might call 'fat.' See, the problem now is that you not only are a man who looks like Superman, but you are also a man who looks like Clark Kent with a monocle, a pipe and powder in your hair. Tweed suit does not a new man make. I'm actually surprised neither Lois nor Perry weren't immediately like "Morning, Kent. What's with the pipe?"

Superman eventually gets his memory back. I won't bore you with the details. He then comes up with this cunning plan as a way to further confuse poor Lois:

Way to make Lois feel like an idiot, Superman. Again.

I like Clark's posture and expression in that last panel.

So, there you have it. Superman and Britain. Never a good combination.

Back to Basics

Ok, the token Marvel post is out of the way, and now I can get back to yammering on about Superman and Batman.

Here are some random panels that have amused me this week:

Batman demonstrates that, sometimes, the simplest solution is the best solution.

I love this. Batman's just like "Aw, screw it."

Here's an example of Superman doing that thing I hate where he throws an irrelevant reference to Krypton into a simple statement:

Really? A Kryptonian mule? Do those kick harder than Earth mules? Or do you mean if a Kryptonian mule was brought to Earth? Do they even have mules on your frozen planet? Oooo...sorry. I meant, did they have mules on your frozen planet? Before it blew up.

(Spell check wonders if by Kryptonian, I actually meant Estonian).

And, finally, a panel that once again makes me wonder if I should pay more attention to Hawkman. He seems to get up to all sorts of sexy adventures:

What could possibly be right about that, Hawkman? Nice ass, by the way.