Wolverine Week: Lookin’ at Merch!
Wolverine is one of Marvel’s most popular characters, and he has appeared in three movies, with a fourth hitting theatres this week. He has also appeared in several animated series. What all this means is that there is a lot of Wolverine merchandise floating around out there, and it’s not all awesome. Join me as I wade through it.
This is the official X-Men Origins: Wolverine electronic claw. It seems to be a pretty hot item right now. But it does not look safe. When you flick your wrist the claws come out, which actually is pretty rad. I did some digging and found a number of Wolverine claw products for children, and this one is definitely the best. I mean, check this lame thing out:
Laaaaaaaaame. Those are long lady gloves with plastic claws glued on. I thought that this was the sad welfare version of Wolverine claws, until I saw this:
A rubber band with nails on it?! What the hell is that thing? But it’s hard to fault this product because that kid on the package RULES. I encourage you to click on the image to view the larger size.
But it isn’t all claws in the world of Wolverine merchandising! Sometimes you need to get sexy.
Y’know, I have never thought "I’ll bet Wolverine smells pretty good." Of all the superheroes who SHOULDN’T have their own cologne, I would say that Wolverine is maybe sitting just on top of Solomon Grundy. And that guy’s dead.
I thought this Wolverine/Transformer hybrid was pretty much the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen:
Until I saw this Mega Bloks Wolverine robot:
There is just no reason for these things to exist.
I’ll tell you what ARE awesome, though: Wolverine party supplies!
Alright! Awesome!!! And I am charmed by these thank-you cards not only because of the idea of a Wolverine thank-you card, but because it’s charming to think of kids sending thank-you cards to their party guests. Good etiquette, kids!
I just want to bring this Weapon X action figure from the new movie to everyone’s attention:
What in the crazy fetish toy is this? In-sane.
Oh, dad.
And finally, don’t wear this. Not anyone. Not ever:
So, in conclusion, weigh your options carefully when you are making a decision about how best to spend the money you have saved in the Wolverine Merchandise Fund.
To make that Wolverine aftershave, they probably just soaked some cigar butts in flat beer. And, yeah, Wolverine dog collar. Does it come with matching manacles and ball-gag?
Oh, sorry. I should have been clearer. That last item is actually a belt.
But a distinctive belt with a super-hero’s name on it is so cool…
I want to go back to high school just so I can wear it and be admired.
I don’t know if “admired” is the word you are looking for.
Ahhhh! That kid! “I’m Wolvoween. Grrrr.”
The birthday invitations are the best. My daughter turns four in a couple of months but she’s currently more into Spider-Man.
And is Solomon Grundy really a super-hero? (That was still funny though.)
Oh, sorry. I should have been clearer. That last item is actually a belt.
Oh, well, that’s much</i less lame. Although you could probably use it as a dog collar, if you had a really huge dog, like Lockjaw.