Free Comic Book Day Previews #1

This is sort of embarrassing to admit, but I had a really hard time following the Free Comic Book Day Little Archie comic.
It's like, the Little Archie gang (plus some kid named Billy Wong who I've never heard of) are at camp and Mr Weatherbee is the camp director. Fine. I'm with you so far. And they do some boating and then there is a golden owl, and some magic elves, and a tunnel of love, and seriously I have no idea. All the while the male counselor (Betty's older brother(?!) whose name is, wait for it...Chic) and the female counselor do some inappropriate flirting in front of the children. And there's a weird map.

See if you can make heads or tails of this page:

No? Me neither. And, no, reading the rest of the story does not help.

And what the hell does this mean?!

Inappropriate.

The most bizarre thing about this comic is actually on the Fan Art page at the end. Look at this:

In particular, look at the artists' names.

Weirded out.

Not a very good comic. Plus, it's full of lies like this one:

No, Reggie. They don't.

Moving on, let's check out another supposed all-ages comic.

This reprints two Floyd Gottfredson Mickey Mouse stories from 1936. From these stories I learned that Mickey Mouse is kind of awesome.

He's totally badass:

Oh can he ever! Check it out!!

Yeah! Now watch him go Midnighter on the guy:

"Ya like that, Big Boy?! Huh, bitch? I can't hear you over the sound of your skull cracking! What's that? You're going to be sick? Not on my shoes, bitch."

Mickey can't be tied down like that, dawg.

He's kind of a dick:

He's post-modern:

And has a great, dry wit:

Ha! Go to Hell, Goofy!

And, also, there's this panel:

Thumbs up to the Mickey Mouse comic. Thumbs down to Little Archie. I'm just trying to make it a little easier for you guys on Saturday when you're elbowing kids in the face for your free comics. Expect Free Comic previews all week.