Gather round, everyone. It's story time.

I want to share my very favourite Archie comic. It has so many elements I like: Ethel getting a date, Ethel showing up all those stupid jerks and bitches in Riverdale, a dreamy merman with super strength, and a bittersweet ending.

I love Ethel. The rest of Riverdale can burn. It's a town of ghouls. The amount of physical harm those kids do to each other terrifies me. Spawn of Satan, every last one of them. Except Dilton. That guy kinda rules. I don't know why the ladies fight over Archie and Reggie. Dilton is clearly the prize.

Anyway, I'm already off track. Here's the story:

Oh Veronica. You are so awful. When will Ethel finally kick your ass?

Ok, here's where things get awesome:

"I'm real! Here! Touch me!" Damn, I love me a smooth-talking merman. Even with Garfunkel hair.

Poor Ethel. Her esteem is so shot she assumes that merman is making fun of her. I like that she looks like she's thinking about punching him for it (She can't help the violent tendencies. It's the Riverdale upbringing).

Damn, this is mildly sexy, for an Archie comic. Dude gets Ethel to close her eyes while he gets naked and makes a little seaweed skirt for himself. I mean, that thing can't hide much.

I know that Betty is being nice, but she sounds really condescending. Man, don't comic writers realize how damaging it is to have one non-perfect looking female in a comic and then have her be the butt of every joke? It really makes a young female reader believe that she will never get a date because she is awkward-looking. Don't listen to them, Ethel! They are stupid bitches!

Onward!

Mermen are invincible. Neat.

Veronica, you suck. What if Ethel did hire him from an escort service? It would be better than your stupid date (who, from the looks of things, is Betty).

Here's where Bobby totally serves Veronica:

Awww. What a sad ending. I am really charmed by her having to return his tux for him, for some reason. It's just cute. And that he gets naked again in front of her. Racy!