Super-Human Detritus of the Thirtieth Century: Review of Green Guy and Camera Eye, by Johnathan

I have listened to the will of the people, and just under half of them want to hear about some future-losers with super-powers. This poll thing seems to be working all right, so I'll be keeping it up for a while - not necessarily in any consistent format, mind you.

Today we'll look at a couple of guys from way, way back in the day (Adventure Comics No. 307, that's how way). I've been kind of putting off discussing them for a while now, not because they're not rich and fascinating topics for online pontification but because they've only got one panel of action - their combined in-continuity adventures span one-third of one page. Thankfully, on further investigation I found that a full two-thirds of the page in question was suitable for discussion, so the Internet will get to hear my opinions after all!

Here's the Legion, fresh from an encounter with the arch-pirate Roxxas, who has been flying around with his band of cutthroats stealing simply everything in sight - seriously, he goes to one planet and basically ends up making off with all of their light bulbs. The Legionnaires are concerned that they don't have the numbers to take on this murderous, awful, bloodthirsty crew, so they hit upon the idea of signing up a few new recruits, presumably as cannon fodder. Note that Invisible Kid is wearing that same black-hair-and-yellow-jumpsuit number that he was sporting during the Dynamo Kid audition. Colouring error or early-onset midlife crisis ("Bright colours - bright colours are young, right? And... and I'll dye my hair black! Get a sporty hover-car, a sexy Durlan ladyfriend - nobody'll ever guess that I'm an old man of seventeen.)?

Having neglected to give a name, this youngster is variously identified as Green Boy, Green Guy and possibly Green Lad. Me, I figure that anyone who bothers to inject himself with chemicals until he gets a side-effect that qualifies as a super-power just (I assume) so's he can apply for a club is going to think up something a bit more grandiose than that. Lime Lad? Emerald Ed? Ral Kint, the Chlorochromaticistic Kid? Guess we'll never know, though, so I'm going with Green Guy, 'cause it's short and I like alliteration.

Green Guy might - just might - be the most delusional person ever to walk away from Legion HQ with a consolation flight belt. He's at least in the running beside Rann Antar. Check him out: from the explanation that he has just given I am lead to believe that his powers affect only the world around him. I mean, he's not turning green, that's for sure. So a) why the hell is he decked out in blue and orange when a quick trip to the Army/Navy Surplus (Stormtrooper/Spacefleet Surplus) could at least lend a little weight to his argument and b) how the hell is that any use in camouflage? Even on a world with green foliage, wouldn't that field of greenifying rays just make him easier to spot? He'd just be this blue-and-orange figure at the centre of a blobby field of green. Boo, Green Guy, boo. You're lucky that Sun Boy was feeling uncharacteristically kind and let you down easy with that "Different planets have different leaves." excuse. On any other tryout day he'd just roar "REJECTED!" and set your hair on fire.

NOT APPROVED

Next up is Camera Eye (again, best guess on the name), a comparatively normal youth. Amusingly, he is green. Man, I got so worked up about Green Guy that I'm a bit spent on the old "Making fun of guys" front. Okay, here goes: Camera Eye, you'd have maybe the barest hint of a chance of getting into the Legion as some sort of living sex-tape maker or something if you weren't such a liar. At the risk of sounding like exactly the kind of pedantic nerd that I am: when the hell did Superboy ever meet Bizarro? Never, that's when, you liar. Oh, he met Bizarro Superboy, sure, but that's clearly a bizarro Superman up there. Go on home, Camera Eye. Go home and watch videos of yourself crying in the mirror. Jerk.

Nice shirt, though. Still, NOT APPROVED.

And I just threw this one in because Element Lad's costume looks pretty nifty with that question mark on it. And the lad himself looks particularly elfin, I must say. Also: surprisingly jaunty for someone who recently became the only one of his kind.

Away!

Addendum to the Review of the Legion of Super-Heroes, Part Four, By Johnathan

SHRINKING VIOLET

This is an interesting picture. The power-demonstration aspect of it is both highly effective and highly accurate. One look and we know exactly how small Violet's ass is. Well, kind of. On my ruler, it's 1/16 of an inch, but I hail from a land of metric measurement, so it beats me if that's standard. Basically, this is one small heiny. Her outfit isn't bad, I guess. It's not as pleasing to mine eyes as the little (haw!) number she was wearing when she clocked Phantom Lad, but it's okay. The gloves are nice. Green is nice.

What really puzzles me about this little scene, though, is her head and face region. Why is she all dolled up? Why is she shooting a sultry look to stage left? Why does she look kind of like Elizabeth Taylor? Ever since I noticed this stuff it's been tormenting me. I mean, who is she trying to seduce? Not Micro Lad, I hope, but it can't be anyone at regular size, can it? Take a look at your ruler - even if her rear is 1/8 of an inch wide, Ms. Digby is just to tiny for a smoldering look to register. Unless she's flirting with a microscope-wielding scientist (and why wouldn't she?) whoever it is is just going to think she has some sort of facial tic.

Eh. Green is my favourite colour and the Growing Uppercut is my favourite special move, so:

JOHN APPROVED

STAR BOY

See, now this is the outfit that I was talking about in the original review of the Legion - the plunging neckline is history, hooray, and there is a pleasant shaggery to the facial features. As one of the very few super-heroes to sport the full beard (let's see... Star Boy, Hercules, latter-day Blockade Boy, uh, one of the Thors and... and the good Lex Luthor that died in the first Crisis, I think) he's a pretty good representative for any union or benevolent society that they might form. It's just so much better than his old no-beard-and-crew-cut look. And he's so affable, if occasionally insane.

This image, by the way, was taken from a poster that the Legion had made up in an attempt to get Rann Antar to stop coming around for the tryouts. The text, which has been omitted here, read WE ALREADY HAVE A GUY WHO CAN MAKE FEATHERS HEAVY. It didn't work, though.

JOHN APPROVED

Review of Super-Human Detritus of the 30th Century, Part 6, by Johnathan

Just a quick one today, and mostly because I've been thinking about this character for a while - he's one of the inspirations for this series of reviews, along with Storm Boy and Infectious Lass.

His name? Rann Antar.

Rann Antar appeared in Adventure Comics #317, way back in the day, in the same issue that featured the first appearance of Dream Girl. Ol' Rann always stood out in my mind for a few reasons and because I'm too lazy to string them together into a proper paragraph, here they are as a numbered list:

1. Rann Antar is a keener. He showed up with roughly one thousand times the number of feathers required to demonstrate his 'discovery'. I can see his plan now: "I'll throw the feathers up in the air, then spray them with my formula. The Legion will give me a standing ovation as heavy feathers rain down upon them. The boy Legionnaires will go out to plan a parade in my honor while the girls wrestle for the right to kiss me. It will be the best day of my life."

2. Rann Antar was rejected from the Legion in the less soul-crushing of the two methods that were commonly employed during these affairs. Note how Saturn Girl refrains from shouting "What? Your power is useless! You, sir, are ridiculous! Rejected!" (this is the more soul-crushing method) and instead makes up some lame excuse about Star Boy being able to do the same thing, like they'd let him in in a shot if they had no 'heavy feathers' guy.

3. Rann Antar is desperate to join the Legion. Look, you can see it in his eyes and his posture - he just lunged forward with that wok full of feathers and blurted his little speech out in one breathless rush. I'll bet he waited outside all night plucking chickens. Further, I'd wager that that perm is brand new, and that if we could rotate him ninety degrees we'd be able to see an insignia on his shirt, something like a black arrow pointing downward with a feather inside.

4. Rann Antar is ridiculous. For some ungodly reason he's JOHN APPROVED.