Addendum to the Review of the Legion of Super Heroes: Part 1, By Johnathan

A while back I did a great big review of the whole durned Legion of Super-Heroes, circa the "Origins and Powers of the Legion" pages that ran way back when. Well, not long after I published that post I found another of those crazy things, in Legion of Super-Heroes v3 No. 17, and since that one included all of the pre-Five-Year Gap Legionnaires that I hadn't already covered I figured that I should probably do some sort of follow-up post. Kind of leery of long posts, though, so I've broken this one in two. First up: Legionnaires that I've already reviewed! Because what's obsessive completeness without, uh, completion?

BRAINIAC 5

You know, it's really hard to think up new things to say about Brainiac 5 when he's just standing there. That's what comes of a guy not having a costume change for 20+ years, I guess. The boots are nice and it looks like he's been working out, so that's two things. I suppose I can mention that I like the 'no black lines, just colour' style of forcefield more than the sheet of glass-lookin' ones that tend to show up in forcefield-centric comic books. I don't like this one, though. Purple forcefields aren't as good as green ones.

NOT APPROVED

CHAMELEON BOY

Probably my least favourite Chameleon Boy pic, both because of the costume and the 'how do his powers work' bit. Okay, I guess the costume's not too bad but it's definitely super-horrible with regards to palette. It's like, um... it's like Color Kid involuntarily used his powers whilst a sneeze/belch/hiccough combo was ravaging his cranial cavities - it's super-ugly, yo. Similarly, this "Let's slap CB's head on a little monkey-thing! It shows that they're the same guy!" approach to the whole issue of how to demonstrate his powers in a single panel seems even more ham-fisted than that one panel from the Sixties featuring him as an exposition-spouting garbage can. Bah!

NOT APPROVED

COLOSSAL BOY

See, Chameleon Boy? Speed lines help! They show us that Colossal Boy's getting bigger and they could've showed us how you were getting all transformative! Though in Colossal Boy's case, a wee little Gim Allon standing between his feet would've been nice. A new reader could potentially draw the conclusion that they were about to read a tale about someone who had the fantastic ability to emit gusts of wind from their fists, armpits and groin. And the only place that you're going to find that kind of action is in John and Paul Present: The Adventures of the Mighty Turbine! I like that they didn't alter his costume just for the sake of doing so - it's definitely better than the current incarnation - but I think that I might be pining for his old singing cowboy-style gloves for the rest of my life.

JOHN APPROVED

DAWNSTAR

Decent picture of Dawny in space, no real alterations to her costume (though they may have added some more fringe, I'm not sure). Not too much to talk about here, really. I mean, her wings look like they're made of papiér maché, that's one thing., but it's not really what I'd call a conversation-starter. I'd really like to know what she's looking at, though. I mean, she flies around in the depths of space fighting super-villains, 9-5: what's really going to shock her that much? My guess? A left-over missile from the Great Darkness Saga, shaped like a giant, nude, anatomically-correct Darkseid and spewing laser fire from horrible, horrible places. That, my friends, would be a hell of a sight.

JOHN APPROVED

DREAM GIRL

You know, until I took a close look at this picture just now I had thought it a pretty standard Dream Girl image. But now? Now I see that it's terrible. That's probably the worst rendition of the Dream Girl shiny one-piece that I've ever seen. It looks like it would require a whole roll of that special supermodel-brand double-sided tape to hold in place. Plus, I think she's wearing a cup. Bleh, I say. And while I'm bitching: whatever happened to that blue thing that she used to wear in her hair? That thing was great! It looked like a wireless cell phone headset, like she was constantly networking or prepared to network. Super-proactive! This all-glam look just doesn't have the same kind of synergy. Dream Girl is unlikely to land that big new client, and that's a shame.

NOT APPROVED

ELEMENT LAD

Despite the fact that I'm no big fan of Interlac, I appreciate the thought behind changing the 'e' on Element Lad's chest to it's fakey future language equivalent. I was about to say that I wouldn't run around with the Cyrillic letter j on the front of my shirt, but that's a complete lie, unless Cyrillic is one of those alphabets that don't acknowledge the majesty of the j or, you know, admit to the existence of the sound. In any case, Element Lad manages to rock the pink costume far more thoroughly than Cosmic Boy ever did. I, uh, I don't really know what he's doing in this picture, though. I can only guess that he's turned an oxygen atom into one of Element 476, Gigantium (discovered c. 2674 CE), an atom notable mainly for being almost ridiculously huge.

NOT APPROVED

LIGHTNING LASS

So at some point Light Lass got her original powers back and became Lightning Lass again. This worked well because Lightning Lad had just retired, so the Legion was still able to say that it had lightning-slinging capabilities. And I guess that the ol' Light Lass powers weren't as useful as they could be. Trouble is, lightning is kind of a boring power to have - that's why Lightning Lad had the cape! It added flair! Lightning Lass' costume needs flair. Or zazz. Or possibly some moxie.

NOT APPROVED

MON-EL

Mon-El’s another one of those cats who hasn’t changed his uniform in… ever. Admittedly, it is a pretty snappy bit of cloth – Daxam surely must have the best-dressed astronauts around. Plus, you’re bound to get attached to a tunic after wearing it for a thousand years whilst being verbally abused by ghostly assholes. I’m sure that both of those big gold buttons had its own name and complicated backstory by now and that for a while the cape was a serious competitor for Shadow Lass’ affections. I’m also sure that the ‘underwear over tights’ look doesn’t go well with this costume – so sure that I sort of blank the fact that Mon-El indulges in this abominable practice from my mind and have had more than one nerd-argument over the question of whether Mr. Gand wears ‘em inside the pants or not. Looking over my records, the answer turns out to be: both, on occasion. I believe that I have a comic shop employee to apologise to.

This is a perfectly nice picture of Mon-El, by the way. Except... Ol' Lar here has always been a character that manages to look cool despite the fact that he has a really bad haircut. This is, however, no reason to make that haircut the focal point of the image. It's like there's a hair-helmet coming to crush us, on its way to woo the Bouffant. Aiee!

JOHN APPROVED

Grr. My life has become too busy for long posts. I'm gonna break this up a bit (not like the last time, I promise - this time I'll finish). Tune in soon for Phantom Girl!

Review of the Super-Human Detritus of the 30th Century, Part 3, By Johnathan

Part three in our series of tributes to the common and/or crappy superteen of the future is devoted to the poor shmoes who had their Mom (or their Mom's robot, at least) sew up a costume and drive them down to Legion HQ but weren't quite distinctive enough to merit their own tale of rejection. Now most of the fine folks pictured here appeared in the same issue as Lester Spiffany and Stormboy (Adventure Comics 301, if you must know) and were a little overshadowed by those two notable gentlemen. In the interest of fairness, here's a who's who of the world of superhuman crowd scenes, presented in the order in which they appeared, with on-the-spot reviews.

First up is a lad that many only know as The Lavender Target, who's feeling a bit nervous - just look at that body language. His cape might be saying "Yes!" but his arms are saying "no." in a very small voice. In honor of his vulnerability:

REVIEW DEFERRED

To the Lavender Target's right, in the green/brown shirt and red/brown pants, is Ask-Me How -I-Recently-Lost-Over-65-Pounds Lad, who was trying to join the Legion in order to promote his diet/exercise book, I'll Tell You How I Lost Over 65 Pounds, Lads. Rejected by the Legion of Superheroes, the Legion of Substitute Heroes, the Wanderers and the Khunds, he regained the weight and found unexpected happiness as a Bouncing Boy impersonator.

JOHN APPROVED

The head to the left belongs to a heroine known as Awesome Girl. Not shown is her costume, which consists solely of a ratty floor-length trench coat. This is because Awesome Girl is the product of a bet between the members of the Legion of Super-Pets, and consists of Beppo the Super Monkey, Krypto the Super Dog and Proty II standing on each other's shoulders. To be fair, they almost made it into the Legion, until a fit of overzealousness caused Proty to claim that Awesome Girl had 'the ability to give birth to monkeys on command.'

NOT APPROVED

Here we have The Bouffant, heroine of Anzac III. A mutant, she was born with a super-tough shell of hair, sufficiently hard to crack plate steel and so dense that nothing could penetrate it, rendering her immune to even the most powerful telepathic abilities. She too almost made it into the Legion, but was forced to leave after breaking Colossal Boy's nose for calling her "a real firecracker," and offering to help her adjust the complimentary flight belt.

JOHN APPROVED

Pictured behind her is You'd Look Great in Powder Blue Kid, who was forcibly removed from the area soon thereafter for using his powers a bit too freely on the other applicants.

NOT APPROVED

Note the poor shmuck in the background of this frame - clearly reveling in his brand-new powder blue jumpsuit.

The other guy's name was Biting Brad, who had a formidably fanged maw, as his chest emblem suggests. Brad is virtually unknown, but was the first applicant to demonstrate the rule that states that anyone whose superheroic name is just their real name with a little bit extra (Porcupine Pete, Radiation Roy, Eye-ful Ethel) will never ever get into the Legion. Biting Brad later became the first person to die of scurvy in almost eight hundred years.

NOT APPROVED

Another shot of The Bouffant, who is a bit of a firecracker, at that.

Note the two guys in the background of this picture - You'd Look Great In Powder Blue Kid has struck again. The Kid later attempted to become a super villain, but his plots only ever really succeeded in boosting the economies of regions that produced blue dyes.

The Lavender Target, who's feeling a bit more comfortable now. Though he was able to eat bullets and shoot them out of his eyes, the Target was rejected by the Legion after he nearly throttled himself when his flared cape got caught on a door knob.

NOT APPROVED

The young man on the left of the second panel is Chet Kord, thirtieth century descendant of the Blue Beetle. Unfortunately, Chet doesn't just use devices instead of innate powers, he uses the same devices that his ancestor did, one thousand years earlier. Not only is he rejected , he is laughed out of the building, and Superboy vows not to believe his umpteen-times great grandfather if he attempts to tell him about any grand conspiracies back in the twenty-first century.

NOT APPROVED

The other lad is The Spelunker, who goes to the bathroom a few minutes after this and is not seen again until years later when the Legion of Substitue Heroes take over the Legion clubhouse. During renovations, Color Kid finds a green-clad skeleton in a particularly twisty bit of ducting and has to go lie down for a while.

NOT APPROVED

More on these two in a minute. Let me just take a second to explain that a) Bouncing Boy has just explained to these youngsters exactly how the hell he got into the Legion and b) yes, that is The Bouffant. It was just a bit chilly and she put on a jacket.

So: The lad in the red and grey is Reg Winthrop, Two-Fisted Seismologist. Reg hoped to get in based on his Metropolis University boxing championship and his ability to guess the severity of an earthquake to within one point on the Richtor Scale, but was swiftly rejected - especially after he tried to prove his might by decking Shrinking Violet.

NOT APPROVED

On the right is Gastrointestinal Discomfort Boy, who followed through on the vow that he makes in this panel. When his power of inflicting painful abdominal cramps on others was deemed unsatisfactory and he was rejected from the Legion, he refused to give up hope and showed up at every subsequent tryout they had. Once he started hanging around outside Matter-Eater Lad's door for hours at a time, the Legionnaires were forced to take out a restraining order. GD Boy can still be found lurking at the edges of the three hundred metre limit imposed by the courts, staring hungrily at Legion HQ.

NOT APPROVED

Well, that's that - those are the people that failed the most.