I know ads for totally absurd merchandise are common place in any Marvel comic, but seriously:
What is this?
No, really? What is it?
These are my best guesses.
Salad Tongs.
Melon baller.
Ultra safe scissors?
Or some sort of medical tool? Foresceps? Or...uh...a speculum?
Ugh, chilling stuff.
Please help me out. The more I think about it, the creepier the possibilities.
In celebration of HAT WEEK, I am going to take a look at some very real super hero hats that you can buy and wear (though I would not recommend it).
First we have a Superman cap plastered with Jim Lee artwork. This hat blatantly ignores the "less is more" philosophy:
"SO, DO YOU LIKE SUPERMAN?"
And if Superman isn't your thing, but you are still into hideous hats and Jim Lee artwork, the cap also is available in Batman:
"HAVE YOU EVER READ HUSH, BRO?"
This next hat seems like a pretty straightforward, though still terrible, Death of Superman hat:
NEVER FORGET.
Except wait! It's not that at all! It's actually part of a series of hats featuring superhero logos that have been splattered in paint:
THE FLASH CAN OUTRUN EVERYTHING...EXCEPT A BUCKET OF PAINT.
Of course there are plenty of Dark Knight Joker hats, none of which should be worn by anyone:
I'M NOT SURE WHO THINKS THEY CAN PULL THIS OFF, BUT THEY ARE WRONG.
"HMMM...I THINK I'LL WEAR MY FORMAL DARK KNIGHT JOKER CAP TONIGHT."
NEVER FORGET.
There's a confusing series of Marvel hats that feature other Marvel logos with Wolverine slashes through them. I guess it's like the Marvel equivalent of having Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo:
HAHA! FUCK YOU, FANTASTIC FOUR!
SPIDER-MAN? MORE LIKE SPIDER-DICK!
This is a very intense movie Batman hat that just looks insane to me. Although if I were talking to someone who was wearing it, I would probably be staring dreamily at their forehead the whole time:
"HELLO RACHELLE. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE NERD BELOW ME. YOU NEED ONLY SPEAK TO ME."
This hat is, for real, just straight up awesome:
IF I WORE BALLCAPS, I WOULD WEAR THIS ALL THE TIME.
This hat is straight up terrifying:
"I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR BLIND DATE. I'LL BE THE ONE WEARING CAPTAIN AMERICA'S HEAD ON MY HEAD.
Hey, I know there's really no limits to how tacky your Punisher merchandise can be. But if there were a limit, I would say this hat is dangerously close to it:
"AW MAN, THE PUNISHER IS SO FUCKING DOPE. HE, LIKE, SHOOTS SHIT AND SHIT."
"AND HE'S GOT A SKULL ON HIS SHIRT. HE'S EVEN COOLER THAN VENOM."
And finally, Superman would never wear this:
UNLESS BATMAN TOLD HIM TO.
I know the ISB has dissecting Previews covered, but I did at least five spit-takes reading this month's catalogue, so I had to write about it. It's full of crazy crap, as well as lots of stuff that I'm super stoked about. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotion.
First off, the cover:
Nope, those are not stautes. They're not busts, or action figures. These are photos of heads pasted onto the bottom half of busts. I know the July 2010 release means there's many months of sculpting time ahead, and believe me, I'm excited to see a little cold-cast plaster version of Vampire Bill. But seriously. Maybe wait until you have something substantial before you put it on the front cover? Even if it is the back front cover.
Who photoshopped this? Me? My cat? Actually, if Scrapperton did this, good job. But to anyone else, for shame.
I like how this is written like a newspaper headline; "Local Lad Krueger Makes Good in Neighbourhood Nightmares." This whole little piece of copy just rules. God, I'm seriously jealous. Writing for Previews is the best job in the universe. Especially making up the titles for those t-shirts.
Good lord, Marvel. This is some Krusty the Clown level merchandising. Do you have a sick mother in the hospital who desperately needs you to pay for an operation? Or do you have, say, a serious smack habit?
Hurray! Vertigo is making a figure of my favourite chocolate bar-loving, antler-headed cutie pie! A lil' Sweet Tooth to put on my bed side table!
OH. NO.
Ziggy is read by more than 75 million people every day. No joke here. Just a fact.
A phrase never spoken by anyone at LBW:
RASL #7? In February? So we've had like, one issue this year, but now THREE will come out in the next three months?
Riiiiiight. Maybe scientists will also discover that cheeseburgers are the best food for weight loss. And I'll inherit a cheeseburger factory. Jeff Smith, I love you. That's why your lies hurt me so.
BUT, you know what's exciting? Raina Telgemeier's comic about braces. And the first issue of the new Demo series!!! So awesome. In my head, Brian Wood and Becky Cloonan are BFFs who live together in a big comic-themed house and get into wacky, comics-related high jinx together. Could be true. You don't know.
See? A lot of ups and downs here. Well, until next month, Previews. Maybe in January you'll have learned not to put Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose on the same page as a bunch of kids comics. But don't go changin' just to suit me, Previews.
Wolverine is one of Marvel's most popular characters, and he has appeared in three movies, with a fourth hitting theatres this week. He has also appeared in several animated series. What all this means is that there is a lot of Wolverine merchandise floating around out there, and it's not all awesome. Join me as I wade through it.
This is the official X-Men Origins: Wolverine electronic claw. It seems to be a pretty hot item right now. But it does not look safe. When you flick your wrist the claws come out, which actually is pretty rad. I did some digging and found a number of Wolverine claw products for children, and this one is definitely the best. I mean, check this lame thing out:
Laaaaaaaaame. Those are long lady gloves with plastic claws glued on. I thought that this was the sad welfare version of Wolverine claws, until I saw this:
A rubber band with nails on it?! What the hell is that thing? But it's hard to fault this product because that kid on the package RULES. I encourage you to click on the image to view the larger size.
But it isn't all claws in the world of Wolverine merchandising! Sometimes you need to get sexy.
Y'know, I have never thought "I'll bet Wolverine smells pretty good." Of all the superheroes who SHOULDN'T have their own cologne, I would say that Wolverine is maybe sitting just on top of Solomon Grundy. And that guy's dead.
I thought this Wolverine/Transformer hybrid was pretty much the stupidest thing I've ever seen:
Until I saw this Mega Bloks Wolverine robot:
There is just no reason for these things to exist.
I'll tell you what ARE awesome, though: Wolverine party supplies!
Alright! Awesome!!! And I am charmed by these thank-you cards not only because of the idea of a Wolverine thank-you card, but because it's charming to think of kids sending thank-you cards to their party guests. Good etiquette, kids!
I just want to bring this Weapon X action figure from the new movie to everyone's attention:
What in the crazy fetish toy is this? In-sane.
Oh, dad.
And finally, don't wear this. Not anyone. Not ever:
So, in conclusion, weigh your options carefully when you are making a decision about how best to spend the money you have saved in the Wolverine Merchandise Fund.
I could seriously look at this all day.
Holy crap. It's so funny.
Living Between Wednesdays is a place for people who love comic books and superheroes.
